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Posted January 23rd, 2012
Original Hot and Steamy Burger Jokes
A cheeseburger walks into a bar and sits down next to a stunningly beautiful young woman. He says, “Can I buy you a drink?” Foxy lady turns, leans close, and in her most seductive voice says, “Can I pour ketchup all over you, pick you up by your buns with both hands, and swallow you whole?” The cheeseburger…
- Stands up, shocked, and says, “I’m very sorry, Miss, but I’m looking for more than a one-night burger stand!”
- Winks and says, “Congratulations, baby. You just created the world’s first half-pound Happy Meal.”
- Recognizes the woman’s sad vulnerability, the likelihood that she’d missed out on strong parental guidance, and the chances that other burgers had mistreated her—all leading to a low self-esteem and a reckless attitude toward casual dining. He brushes her cheek softly with the edge of his top bun and says, “No thank you, dear, but if you would ever like to get together and just talk—about life, hopes, dreams—look me up in the menu.”
- Winks and says, “Consider me super-sized.”
Posted January 9th, 2012
John’s Review
Build Your Own Burger (Classic Rocks)
I don’t know anyone with flat-screen TVs in all four corners of their backyard, much less the humendous (a word crafted by my three-year-old daughter; ginormous is so played) monster screens that you face while dining at Backyard Bistro, with football players looming and leaping literally larger than life. However, the name of this establishment certainly fits when you bite into its juicy grilled burger. It has a thick, high-quality patty that—when you sample a pure bite—is full of charred backyard flavor.
A little too full, if you ask me (and of course you do, by reading these lines).
When it comes to Classic Rocks burgers, I’m on the record as favoring the flat-grill over the open-flame grill. A flat grill imparts a pure charred flavor without the smokiness of an open flame. I could consume a good flat-grill Classic Rocks burger of at least a 4.0 rating every day of my life without tiring of it. I am occasionally in the mood for a good, smoky open-grill burger once in a while, but wouldn’t choose to partake more than once a week. Backyard Bistro’s patty is particularly strong on the open-grill smoky char, so perhaps no more than every two weeks on that one. Add to it the fact that it comes on another God-forsaken Kaiser roll and it’s perhaps every two and a half weeks. That said, when I am due for one, I will enjoy it, thanks to that quality patty, fresh vegetables, and a good job by the Grill Master in the back.
For my refined burgiatric sensibilities, it is a solid 3.5. For those of you with more of a palate for the open-flame smoky char when it comes to Classic Rocks, you’re likely in the realm of a 4.0 and will be quite pleased (though certainly a bit less refined).
    
Michael’s Review
Backyard Burger (Look at Me!)
Recently, I’ve begun to wonder why I am drawn to burgers in the “Look At Me!” category. Throughout my career, I’ve been a bacon cheeseburger burgiatrist, content in the basic goodness of a quality burger. Over the past two years, however, I’ve longed for more. Here’s a short list of burger toppings I’ve had in that time: sweet garlic mayo, bloody mary mayo, kimchee relish, bacon-onion jam, peanut butter, honey, lime-cured cabbage, port wine gravy, smoking hot chili relish, “queso fundido,” fried egg, sautéed garlic spinach, dirty fries, lump crab meat, chili, pepperoni, salami, short ribs, and a hot dog.
Has there been a void in my life that a simple Classic Rocks burger can’t fill?
 Hi, I'm Michael, and I like Look At Me burgers. At Backyard Bistro in Raleigh, I continued my journey down the rabbit hole. I ordered the Backyard Burger—an 8-ounce patty topped with pulled pork, slaw, and “western-style Q sauce.” (It was essentially the Carolina Burger from Tyler’s, with better execution.) The patty was well-contained in the bun, the pork was smoky and tender, and the patty was juicy, with decent flavor. Overall, the Backyard Burger was tasty, but not outstanding.
Did it fill a hole in my heart? No. But it did fill a hole in my belly.
Michael’s review: 3.75 out of 5.
    
Scott’s Review
Build Your Own Burger (Classic Rocks)
Words to describe the five hi-def TVs at Backyard Bistro in Raleigh:
Word to describe the burger at Backyard Bistro:
Designs created at wordle.net
Scott’s Review: 3.25 out of 5
    
Posted December 29th, 2011
Photo credit ccharmon
Posted November 29th, 2011
Scott’s Review
8 oz. Angus Burger (Classic Rocks)
At the time of this writing, the U.S. Congress has yet to approve a Constitutional amendment requiring that burgers be rated by certified professionals. In fact, I know of no bill to this effect before any congress in any state.
This is a crime.
 Warning: These statistics will shock you. The absence of such legislation leaves us subject to everyone with a spatula claiming to have “the best burger in North Carolina.” Or “the best burger in the country.” Or, as at least one purveyor claims, “the best burger anywhere.” Sure—I get it. It sounds better than “arguably one of the better burgers in the vicinity” or “among the top 15 burgers in Pittsfield.” But c’mon, people, must we be so cavalier with our absolutes? Must we sling the word “best” like a drunken tailgater with a cornhole bag?
I say no.
Dain’s Place in Durham serves a fine burger. And yes, apparently it’s ranked #10 on the venerable list of “50 Best College Bars in America.” And yes, its 8-ounce Angus burger is respectable, even quite tasty. But does it really offer the “best burger in the Triangle,” as its website augurs? Until the fat cats in Washington get their priorities straight and illegalize such proclamations, we’ll never know.
Scott’s review: 3.25 out of 5.
Michael’s Review
The Defibrillator (Look at Me!)
“So, what are you guys in the mood for?” Scott asked.
 “I’m going to go with something I love to do at home,” John said. “I’ll just cover it with ketchup and pepper. The essence of the patty will shine through.”
Scott turned from the temporarily insane John to me. “How about you?”
“I don’t know. Definitely not the Defibrillator.” It wasn’t going to get the restaurant’s signature burger, yet it called to me: An 8-ounce patty. With cole slaw. No, I can’t. And sweet chili. Sweet Jesus. And a hot dog. What?! I’ll just get a bacon cheeseburger. Definitely not the Defibrillator.
The waiter came to the table and sat next to Scott. “What can I get for you?”
While Scott ordered his standard and John ordered his ketchup concoction, I kept myself focused: Bacon cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger. The waiter looked at me expectantly.
“The Defibrillator.”
What? I just ordered a burger with a chili dog and a side of slaw on it. What is wrong with me?
 Hefty hefty hefty. Wimpy wimpy wimpy. But once it arrived, all doubt was erased. The sweet chili, salty dog, and crispy slaw elevated the otherwise average patty to the centerpiece of an overall fine burger. If you don’t think you can stomach the full-on experience, split it with someone; Dain’s is really on to something with this burger. Make the trip to Durham and enjoy.
Michael’s review: 4 out of 5.
 
John’s Review
8 oz. Angus Burger (Classic Rocks; no cheese for a total focus on the patty I’d heard so much about)
This will be brief, as Dain’s warrants only a few words, despite what I had been led to believe about it. The patty was fresh but disappointingly bland (which would typically indicate low-grade ground chuck and an insufficiently seasoned flat grill). The bun was traditional and acceptable. I found the burger to be a 3.25 at best. I would be surprised if ever I Dain to eat another burger there again.
John’s Review: 3.25 out of 5
  
Posted November 10th, 2011
Guest Renegade Reviewer: Scott Bridgeman
Scott Bridgeman is an inchoate Burgiatrist, currently completing his PhB at Dr. McManus’ alma mater, the Universitat Muenster in Hamburg, Germany. Bridgeman has been a burger lover since early childhood, but it was a profound experience in his late teens that inspired his pursuit of this vocation. He was auspiciously dining at burger joint in the triangle on evening before heading off to a high school pep rally, and he happened to be seated in the adjacent booth we TSB burgiatrists sat down for a review. He overheard every pithy, erudite morsel of analysis and critique, and eavesdropped with complete wonder and awe. When we had completed the meal and our analysis, paid our bill, and taken our last sips of draft, we stood and walked away, passing through a long foyer to the thick wooden doors of the pub. Dr.s Marino and McManus had already exited and Dr. Blumenthal was still holding the door, when the young Bridgeman, who had followed us from the table, appeared in the foyer and called after him.
“Are you…”
Dr. Blumenthal turned. “Pardon me?”
“Sorry, sir, but are you and your friends famous burger critics?”
Blumenthal smiled, “Yes, son. But more importantly, we’re Burgiatrists. It’s a highly noble pursuit. Now, I’m very sorry, but we have a schedule to keep and I have to go.”
“Oh,” the boy said, looking down. “Okay.”
Blumenthal let the door close behind him, but looked back through the sidelight of the door to witness the dejected young man shuffling slowly back toward his table.
A few moments later, Blumenthal re-entered the dining room, with a TheStraightBeef.com T-Shirt wadded tightly in his right hand.
“Hey kid,” he said. “Catch!”
And so, when this ambitious young man contacted us years later with a submission for a guest review and on the cusp of achieving his PhB, we decided to give him a break, and publish his first work. Without further adieu, our first guest review, by Scott Bridgeman, future Burgiatrist…
Murphy House Restaurant, North Carolina State Fair
Category: Krispy Kreme Burger (It belongs in a category of its own!)
Let me first start by saying what an honor it is to author a renegade review for TSB, being an amateur burgiatrist myself and having spent the last three years working toward an advance certificate in molecular burgology. I am not sure my qualifications are quite as meaty as those of the staff here at TSB, so please bear with me…
It always starts innocently enough. The fair comes to town, you head to the fairgrounds, and the lunchtime conversations turn to football and laughing about the deep-fried coke or the funnel bacakonator. Then you find yourself joking about the Krispy Kreme burger. Who would ever eat one of those?!
Suddenly, you find yourself getting curious. You start wondering about it. Before you know it, you walk up to the booth and ask, “How much?” At that point, you know it’s too late. You know that you’re going to do it. The proprietor of this culinary treat has engaged you; they’ve invested time, so you wonder if there’s a commitment. But then you start having other thoughts, like “Wow, six dollars for lunch at the fair really isn’t that bad, is it?” or “What will my friends think if I don’t order it?” and before you know it, the words have already left your mouth. “Sure, I’ll take one. But hold the lettuce and tomato.”
Now, I will be the first to admit that the first bite is a little scary. All eyes are on you, and before you know it, you’ve done it. You’ve taken the first bite and you realize wow—this thing is really good. Yes, I said it: The Krispy Kreme burger is good.
The breakdown of the burger is odd, but it does work. They combine high-quality ingredients (namely two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, of course, which serve as the bun) and mix them with lower-end ingredients (namely a pre-cooked low-quality hamburger patty, American cheese, and thinly sliced pre-cooked bacon). Lettuce and tomato are also offered, but I am a purist and passed on those. What happens when these flavors are combined is nothing short of Wylie Dufresne’s latest molecular gastronomical concoction. The sweetness of the doughnut melds with the juiciness of the burger and accentuates the smoky maple flavors of the bacon, which are balanced out by the cheese. All of these flavors conspire to deliver one treat of a burger.
See you in a year, Krispy Kreme burger.
My rating: 3.5
    
Posted October 19th, 2011
The ribs at Jake’s Steaks are probably the best I’ve ever had. The dry rub was tangy, and the meat melted in my mouth. The wait staff at Jake’s did a great job with our large party. Our server made sure our glasses were always full. A great time was had by all.
What is that, you say? Why would an esteemed burgiatrist focus so much on ribs and service? I’ll tell you why: because the burger I had was the worst piece of garbage I have ever eaten. I ordered the Fried Burger. Billed as cheese pressed between two 5-oz patties all lightly breaded and fried. I expected a juicy, gooey, yummy burger. I mean, how could it be bad? Everyone who has been to the fair knows that everything is better when it’s fried.
 Avert your eyes! My first bite crunched so loudly that the person sitting next to me asked if I was OK. I figured it must have just been the edge of the patty and that I ate mostly fried batter. Things did not improve with the second bite. Four or five bites in, I cut my burger in half to see if I would ever come across cheese. Nope. Either the cook forgot to put it in there, or it was left in the fryer too long, vaporizing it. The whole thing was a burned, crunchy mess.
The only reason I am not giving this burger a zero is because it didn’t make me sick. This ranks up there as one of the worst things I have ever eaten. For your own sake, if you go to Jake’s Steaks, get the ribs. My rating: 0.25 out of 5.
Posted October 4th, 2011
Scott’s Review: The Spirit Animal (Snooty Beauty)
Chuck’s Cubed:
A Review of Chuck’s Burgers & Freits in Three Vignettes
I: Michael’s Reaction
My wife bounded into the room, telephone extended. “Scott, it’s Michael. He says it’s an emergency.”
“Michael, what’s the matter? Is everyone okay?”
“I just had a burger at Chuck’s—Ashley Christensen’s new place.” The solemnity in his voice moved me to sit down. My wife’s eyes widened as she mouthed oh my God.
“And?”
“We have to get there for an official review as soon as possible.” Michael is a man who knows his burgers, and he wouldn’t make a call like this unless it was vital. “It was a five.”
“You’re joking.”
“Oh my God,” my wife said aloud, now covering her mouth with her hands.
“I kid you not,” Michael continued. “We have to go as soon as possible. What are you doing tomorrow night?”
“What’s the matter?” my wife demanded, still covering her mouth. “Are the kids okay?”
“Michael’s calling for an emergency burger outing,” I said, trying with my eyes to convey the seriousness of it.
My wife dropped her hands, placed them on her hips, and glared at me.
“Yes—as soon as possible,” I said, looking down to avoid seeing how determinedly my wife was shaking her head. “I’ll just need to clear it with my wife first.”
II: John’s Reaction
Of the three of us, the toughest critic is John. Of our 23 previous official reviews, his average rating is 3.60 (Michael’s is 3.79, mine 3.74), with exactly zero 5s. He gave only one 4.75 (to Draft, in downtown Raleigh) and was so moved that he wrote a song, “Almost a Five,” in the burger’s honor. John’s generally the one who can identify a burger’s technical flaws, almost on a molecular level, and it’s usually those flaws we hear about during those initial bites, the poor burger’s rating dropping with every offense. Not that we ever know John’s rating right away; it’s usually when he pens his review that we hear his verdict.
So imagine John’s skepticism upon entering Chuck’s, knowing Michael’s prophecy—the first time that one of us made a ratings prediction—that he was on a one-way flight to Fivetown.
For the first time in TSB history, John was speechless (save for a few approving grunts). For the first time in TSB history, John announced his review right there at the table, during the meal. And for the first time in TSB history, John gave a 5.
III: My Reaction
I won’t spend time trying to explain why the burgers at Chuck’s Burgers & Freits are excellent (descriptions here). Perhaps a mention of the Holy Grail-like achievement of perfect external char and uniform internal pinkness. Perhaps a word about the masterful combination of ingredients that commingled in Beatle-esque harmony, casting interrogation lights on the efforts of impostors, known to pile edibles between buns, seemingly for its own sake.
Rather, I’ll say this:
Though not formally recognized in burgiatric circles as a legitimate determinant in burger criticism, we can often determine the quality of a burger by how much fun we have at the joint, the level of banter and revelry often a fair measure of how content we are in our persnickety choice of once-a-month outings. (In her feature on TSB, Andrea Weigl of The News & Observer called them man dates. Given our sacred obligation to disseminate burger wisdom, we respectfully prefer mandates.)
As it turned out, we so enjoyed our experience at Chuck’s that we weren’t quite willing for it to end. Plus, Ashley Christensen had also just opened another restaurant—Beasley’s Chicken + Honey—right next door (visit all of the renowned chef’s Raleigh digs here)—and, now having absolute faith in Ms. Christensen’s culinary expertise, we did what at least this burgiatrist has never done before in his life: finish dinner in one restaurant, leave said restaurant, relocate immediately to another restaurant, and eat another full dinner. Though I was too full to fully appreciate (or even taste, really) what I hear is Beasley’s delicious fried chicken, I will say that our presence there—the level of banter and revelry still high—spoke volumes for the burgers next door.
Scott’s review: 5 out of 5.
 
Michael’s Review: The Hill + The Valley (Snooty Beauty)
Buddhists on the path to enlightenment must pursue the Four Noble Truths. It can be very time-consuming. I suggest that those in search of enlightenment simply visit Chuck’s, where four other, easier noble truths are posted on the menu:
1. Half pound 100% chuck
2. House ground
3. Flat top seared
4. On a potato roll
 Yea though I walk through the valley of death, as long as I have this burger, I'll be all right. I have been burned by many a Snooty Beauty (the most rare of Straight Beef categories) in the past. However, The High + The Valley, with its crushed avocado, bacon-onion jam, and “blistered red peppers” was sublime. It was cooked to perfection, and each bite was consistent because of the precise build.
Three ingredients combined atop a burger led this burgiatrist to true enlightenment. I give it a 5 out of 5.
John’s Review: Bear in Heaven (Classic Rocks, with Snooty Beauty quality)
(To read with the one you love…)
I love you deeply. More remarkable is that you so love me. This miracle we share—it is that rarest of symmetries that has always been responsible for the brightest lights of human poetic, musical, and visual expression, and the most majestic sensations that flood the heart, whirl the mind, and satiate the body.
 How grateful I am to have found you! To know what it’s like to be overcome by you, and to delight in longing to be overcome by you again. I know, and I celebrate, that I will again pull you close to me, and that when you touch my lips I will instantly be awash in a harmony of the sweetest sensations of warmth, dizziness, soul-shuddering pleasure, and a giddy, childlike mirth. My eyes will fall closed, my skin will flush, and my heart will nearly stop for a moment then swell again and resume beating in the deliberate, languid rhythm of love just proved.
Oh, to think of you now is to give in to my passion! The allure of your shape, your beading freshness and firm, youthful texture, your penetrating scent and the musky heat of the steam that rises from your flesh at the height of our passion! I can wait no longer. I HUNGER for you, my love. I must see you again soon. Let’s meet again at our place. At Chuck’s.
5.0
 
Posted September 13th, 2011
It’s McTreatable!
DEAR DR. BLUMENTHAL: I have eaten a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal deal every week for the last 30 years. This seems to be the highlight of my work week. The morning of my lunchtime trip, I get as excited about lunch as if I was going to Disneyland. When I’ve eaten the last bite of my tasty meal, I find I am a little sad, but start looking forward to next week. Should I seek help for my condition or should I continue to embrace this behavior? —ADDICTED TO McDELICIOUSNESS
Dear McDELICIOUSNESS: You suffer from a rare but treatable condition called Grimacptosis (grimace-tosis), sometimes referred to as Hamburglarrhea. It affects roughly 1 in every 1 persons in the United States. Various over-the-counter treatments are available, including Mojoe’s in Raleigh, The Corner Tavern in Cary, and Buns in Chapel Hill. If geography is an obstacle, take one hamburger at your nearest Five Guys and call me in the morning. —SCOTT BLUMENTHAL, PH.B, LICENSED BURGIATRIST
Posted September 6th, 2011
Michael’s Review: Papa Burger (Classic Rocks)
The Hungry Burgiatrist
Once upon a time, there was a hungry burgiatrist. One day, the burgiatrist came upon a small restaurant in the middle of a strip center. He opened the door and followed the sign’s instruction to seat himself. When he reached the booth, he found he had a terrible problem. “What size burger should I order?” asked the burgiatrist. For there were three different-sized patties on the menu.
“The Baby Burger is too small,” said the burgiatrist. “But the Mama Burger will not fill me up!” Finally, the burgiatrist settled on the Papa Burger. That would be juuuuust right. Soon, the waitress brought the burgiatrist his burger. It was topped with American cheese, lettuce, and a shiny red tomato.
When the burgiatrist finished his burger, he leaned back. He wanted to doze right there in the booth. He was right. The Papa Burger was juuuuust right.
His rating was 4.25 out of 5.
 
Scott’s Review: Mama Burger (Classic Rocks)
@&$%ing Mad
I can’t believe I’ve been @&$%ing living in Cary for three and a half years before knowing that there was a @&$%ing 4.75 burger just over a mile away, right there in Swift Creek @&$%ing Shopping Center—right @&$%ing down Tryon Road from me—at the modest, unassuming Barry’s Cafe. It was like finding a $100 bill in my pocket. Or a Van Gogh in the attic. Or a @&$%ing golden ticket in my @&$%ing Wonka Bar.
 Oh the @&$%ing humanity. You think I’m angry? You’re damn right I’m angry. Do you know how many Barry’s burgers I could have enjoyed in the past 1,278 days? A @&$%ing lot—that’s how many.
Scott’s review: 4.75 out of 5.
 
John’s Review: Mama Burger (Classic Rocks)
Barry’s: So Very
If you want a very good burger in a very interesting little family restaurant with a very cool fire-fighter theme and very good service, go to Barry’s Cafe on Tryon Road. They have a very good flat grill there that is very well-seasoned due to the very many breakfasts and burgers that have been cooked upon its very hot surface. As a result, the very fresh hand-made ground chuck patties are very well charred to establish the strong foundation for a very, very good burger.
From there, Barry’s continues to get it right, with very nice American cheese, very fresh veggies, the very build order required, a very nice and traditional bun (not a VERY infuriating Kaiser roll!) and very nice attention to proportions and assembly to bring all of the very nice flavors together. And, after you’ve enjoyed a very, very, very good flat-grill Classic Rocks cheeseburger—heavy and laden with the very burger magic we all seek—Barry’s servers will surprise you with a very scrumptious fresh-baked chocolate chip or white chocolate/macadamia cookie to solidify your very well-deserved gratitude and newfound loyalty.
This is a very, very, VERY good burger, people. Which is why I wanted to provide the very serious and very straight-forward review it deserved, resisting any urge to replace the word “very” with “Barry,” which would have been juvenile.
John’s Review: 4.5 out of 5.
 
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The Straight Beef theme song was performed by Something Candid and written by Sabina Barton. They have a CD which is pretty darn good. You should pick one up on iTunes. You won't be disappointed.
TSB’s Top Ten Chuck's = 5.00
Mojoe’s = 4.83
Brewmasters Bar and Grill = 4.67
Buns of Chapel Hill = 4.67
Draft = 4.58
Johnson’s = 4.50
Barry's Cafe = 4.50
Bonefish Grill = 4.42
Salem Street Pub = 4.33
Corner Tavern and Grill = 4.17
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