The Pen and the Prod – An Uncomfortable Truth

Dear Buffalo wings,

What I am about to write will embarrass you, but I cannot contain my feelings any longer.

I love you.

I love you, I want you, and I need you. I am at peace when we are together, and I long for you when we are apart. You are the very definition of delicious.

There is no need to respond, Buffalo wings. Just know this: I love you now, and I will love you forever.

Je t’embrasse,



Dear hamburgers,

I understand that you saw my letter to Buffalo wings, and that you’re upset. I see now that my admission was tactless and cruel. Please know, hamburgers, that it was never my intention to hurt you.

We’ve been together for many years, you and I, and our memories exceed measure. And despite my affection for Buffalo wings (which, my dearest, I cannot deny!), my love for you shall never diminish.

You are, and will forever remain, my dearest heart.

Grosses bises!



Oh, hello, burger. Fancy meeting you here.

Oh, hello, burger. Fancy meeting you here.

Hey, is that Buffalo wings?

Hey, is that Buffalo wings?


Om nom uihrueilshuivck

The Pen and the Prod: Original Hot and Steamy Burger Jokes

Original Hot and Steamy Burger Jokes

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and sits down next to a stunningly beautiful young woman. He says, “Can I buy you a drink?” Foxy lady turns, leans close, and in her most seductive voice says, “Can I pour ketchup all over you, pick you up by your buns with both hands, and swallow you whole?” The cheeseburger…

  • Stands up, shocked, and says, “I’m very sorry, Miss, but I’m looking for more than a one-night burger stand!”
  • Winks and says, “Congratulations, baby. You just created the world’s first half-pound Happy Meal.”
  • Recognizes the woman’s sad vulnerability, the likelihood that she’d missed out on strong parental guidance, and the chances that other burgers had mistreated her—all leading to a low self-esteem and a reckless attitude toward casual dining. He brushes her cheek softly with the edge of his top bun and says, “No thank you, dear, but if you would ever like to get together and just talk—about life, hopes, dreams—look me up in the menu.”
  • Winks and says, “Consider me super-sized.”

The Straight Beef Gangsta Rap

Say what? You must be trippin’ with a patty like that

Even Ron the red-head stepchild can do better than that!

Frontin’ me some fried-up disc of soybeans you done mixed in a vat?

Better check yourself and realize who you lookin’ at!

An’ I ain’t ‘bout to get dissed by some punk-ass b$&%@.

Don’t know a real Angus patty from the a%& on his itch

Next time you serve this pimp a burger, better show some respect

Or you’re gonna see what a burgiatrist can do when he’s p%&^#$!

Cause it’s a Straight Beef G-thing, Baby

Three loc’d out Gs eatin’ crazy

Layin’ down burger truth for the ladies

And makin’ burger education straight SEXY.

And all you other chump reviewers with your lame-a&% blogs

You may not mean any harm, but you be steerin’ peeps wrong.

Go ahead and rate a burger but you’re gonna get flogged

Ain’t got no ivy-league cred like me and my TSB dogs.

Cause it’s a Straight Beef G-thing, Baby

Three loc’d out Gs eatin’ crazy

Layin’ down burger truth for the ladies

And makin’ burger education straight SEXY.

—John McManus, distinguished burgiatrist and renowned author of Self-Actualization, Medium-Rare

The Pen and the Prod: USDA Prime Poetry and Prose

Love at the Gunder Street Pub & Grill

By John McManus, licensed burgiatrist

He leaned back and pulled open the metal-framed plate-glass door of the Gunder Street Pub & Grill with what felt like his last ounce of strength. A meager ring of the bell above his head seemed shrill to him in his state, and it sparked his sensitive nerves. But as the door closed, warm air, the murmuring of strangers, the sound and smell of the sizzling flat grill, the colors of the long mahogany bar and the scattered heavy glasses filled with brown, gold and amber, and the dim stained glass lights quickly melted the chill from his sanguine cheeks. Read more

Love Sonnet to Goodie Goodie


Love Sonnet to Goodie Goodie (

As now I think of you upon your plate
I salivate and breathe your fragrant rise
Of steam and grease and juice and love my fate
Until it dawns that I’ve left you behind.

A classic, humble burger that transcends
The bourgeois tasteless patties that abound
Your mystic vintage flat-grill magic lends
An alchemy of flavor that confounds!

And even now I dream of orange seats
Your crispy fries and foolish diet drinks
Tomato, shredded lettuce, melted cheese
Plus mayo and my heart congeals and sinks.

My orange, vintage “breakfast” diner Love,
Exalted, you reside a world above.

John McManus, Burgiatrist/Poet, 2010