Reverend Donald C. Corey
People often ask me, “Reverend, why ya drinkin’ that funny sodey-pop with your burger?” They tell me I should be imbibing some newfangled ale concoctions instead. To me, those things taste like they got concocted up in a public bathhouse. No, my flock, I do not sully or besmirch the burger with such rotgut. Instead, I pleasure myself with a drink so perfect, so heavenly, that it can salvage even the most heinous sins against burgiatry.
“What is this holy of holies?” you ask. The answer is something I call “Don’s Sweet Juice.”
Before I tell you the secret to DSJ, I’ll warn you that it’s delectable in ways that can only be described as magic. It so brims with explosions of flavor that you will never want for greater refreshment. It’s also got a mere one-third of the calories of a normal soda drink. Sounds too good to be true, I know. The Reverend hears you. Yet Don’s Sweet Juice may be found at most restaurants that offer fountain sodas.
Why isn’t it blue?
Here is your mission, my flock:
- Fill your cup halfway with ice.
- Add Diet Pepsi* to roughly the top of the ice.
- Here’s the tricky part: Fill about a 2/3 of the remaining empty space with regular Pepsi, leaving just enough room for a splash of additional Diet Pepsi on top.
- Drink and enjoy. It is best to be sitting as you do, as you might lose your balance as you soar to heaven.
Now go spread the word of this knowledge I have bestowed upon you. And rejoice, my flock.
*You are asking, “What about Coke? Can I substitute? The answer is yes, though the result will be “Don’s Slightly Less Sweet Juice.” Still better than any other beverage, but not in the same league as the pure DSJ, which is, quite frankly, like crack to me.
As I travel this crazy burger-loving world, it becomes increasingly obvious that burgers are attaining their rightful status as a national meal. It warms this burgiatrist’s heart.
My burgiatric travels recently took me to Prague, where I learned about a new burger venture called Crush Street Food (www.crush.cz). Jan Picha, the brains behind Crush, was driven to burger greatness. In order to get his burger to the people, he retro-fitted an old Citroën truck into a burger-making machine. I discovered this silver beast among a throng of food vendors—a veritable olfactory celebration—in the Andel area of the city.
Jan explained to me that today he was serving the Hovezi Burger—a beef burger topped with grilled red peppers, pickled red onions, tzatziki sauce, lettuce, cheddar cheese, and chipotle ketchup.
Quite simply, the burger was great. Fresh, hot, juicy, and very tasty—the burger grand slam. The patty was nicely charred, the bun was toasted perfectly, and the toppings did not overpower the perfectly seasoned patty.
Well played, Crush. Well played. And yes, I’ll take the easy pun: You crushed it.
Don’s score: 4.75 out of 5.0
I stand before you today with a warning. Yea, I beseech you to turn away from the allure of the ever-unholy combination of meats and sauces and frivolities known as the “signature burger.” These “unique combinations” are ne’er less than distractions, ruses, barriers to burger enlightenment.
Barriers, my flock!
False burger prophets preach the graces of their scandalous creations, tempting you with their “unique combination of select ingredients” and the impossible enlightenment that you, my brothers and sisters, will surely attain. I beg you, rebuke this temptation! Rebuke it!
Only through the basic burger may true enlightenment be achieved. Only through simplicity may the burgiatric kingdom be built.
Pilgrims, today I reach out to you about the paradox of faith in the burger. We only truly experience enlightenment when we have faced a trial that often shakes our faith in burgers. A few months back, I had an experience so gut wrenching – so sacrilegious- I was afraid of the burger. I had stared at the abyss of hopelessness and it stared back. I was defeated- broken. It was at this point of questioning my beliefs in the burger that my burger brethren rallied around me. They lifted me up. They showed me the path and we had a top 5 experience. It was heaven sent.
So brothers and sisters, if you have had your faith in the burger tested, if you have faced the abyss and it has stared back, if you have decided the grilled chicken sandwich is a safer bet, let us rally around you. Let us raise you up. Let us show you the path. Visit one of our top 10 and have your faith restored. Always remember in the time of darkness, love the burger and the burger will love you back.
Reverend Don Corey
Today’s reading is from the book of Burgiatry, chapter 9, verse 17, The Straight Beef’s Top 10
Chuck’s = 5.00
Only Burger = 4.88
Mojoe’s = 4.83
Brewmasters Bar and Grill = 4.67
Buns of Chapel Hill = 4.67
Draft = 4.58
Johnson’s = 4.50
Barry’s Cafe = 4.50
Bonefish Grill = 4.42
Salem Street Pub = 4.33
There comes a time when you, the pilgrim, must be guided, taken by the hand and led through the perils of this vast and treacherous landscape. It is not enough to love the burger. But rather when you seek the enlightenment that comes from preparing the burger, there are ten very strong suggestions, “condimandments,” if you will, that will help you on your spiritual journey.
I have come down from on high.
1) Thou shalt clean the grill.
2) Thou shalt avoid the frozen burger.
3) Thou shalt use fresh and premium ingredients and toppings.
4) Thou shalt shape the burger to be more flat than round.
5) Thou shalt only use beef or bison.
6) Thou shalt be bold yet show reverence to the burger.
7) Thou shalt toast the bun.
8) Thou shalt not burn the burger.
9) Thou shalt not allow anyone else to flip the burger.
10) Thou shalt be humble when praise is given.
Follow in these steps and you will know what it means to walk with the burger, be at one with the burger, and live the burger.
The Straight Beef is pleased to announce its new recurring feature, “Reverend Rants,” in which our spiritual guide Reverend Don Corey will seize you by your burgiatric soul and shake it. Hard.
Burger pilgrims, I stand before you today, humbled. Humbled by the grace of the burger. This object of my love—this savory sanctity—touches me, pilgrims, deep, deep in my soul. I am overcome—trembling, speechless, when a vision of burger perfection is placed before me, juicy, steaming, dripping, smoldering. Rapture.
But there are temptations in this world, pilgrims, that can waylay this trip to burger heaven. Now, I speak today of those charged with the preparation of the very manna of the burger gods. If they cook the burger incorrectly, or if they used unchaste ingredients and toppings, or, worst of all, if they cook from a frozen patty, a crime has been committed. Their soul is not pure. They have forsaken piety and have strayed from the path of burger righteousness. An angel has fallen. A transgression has occurred, and we all suffer.
That is until we must make a pilgrimage to one of the Hallowed Five. Only then can we understand our waywardness and rejoice in the glow of true deliciousness. Amen, pilgrims. Amen!