Review #34 – Spotted Dog (Carrboro, NC)
Crimes Against Burgiatry
The following account is excerpted from testimonies of renowned burgiatrists Michael Marino, Scott Blumenthal, and John McManus, delivered before judges at The Hague, Netherlands.
Dr. Marino [visibly shaken]: It was supposed to be a Buffalo-style burger. You know—with blue cheese dressing and buffalo wing sauce? I mean, what could go wrong? [Dr. Marino covers his eyes and asks for a moment; his request is granted.] What was brought before me should never have been permitted to exist. It was the fevered dream of a madman. I feel my gorge rise to think that this atrocity is called a “burger.” I only pray that children were never exposed to it.
Dr. Blumenthal [sobbing]: Sure—maybe we should have known better than to review a place best known for its vegetarian fare. Sure—we could have spoken out when we saw a menu that actually said [Dr. Blumenthal drops his face into his hands and pauses] “black bean burger with vegan mayo.” I mean, what kind of god allows that?
Dr. McManus [controlled, adamant]: The patty was beyond well done. Practically a briquette. No wing sauce in the world could have saved it. But it was the bun, your honors. Don’t you understand? The bun. Dry as the Sahara. It crumbled in my hands. [Dr. McManus’ further comments on the bun were deemed too graphic for public release and have been sealed.]
Michael’s Review: 1 out of 5
Scott’s Review: 1.5 out of 5
John’s Review: 1 out of 5
