Crimes Against Burgiatry
The following account is excerpted from testimonies of renowned burgiatrists Michael Marino, Scott Blumenthal, and John McManus, delivered before judges at The Hague, Netherlands.
Dr. Marino [visibly shaken]: It was supposed to be a Buffalo-style burger. You know—with blue cheese dressing and buffalo wing sauce? I mean, what could go wrong? [Dr. Marino covers his eyes and asks for a moment; his request is granted.] What was brought before me should never have been permitted to exist. It was the fevered dream of a madman. I feel my gorge rise to think that this atrocity is called a “burger.” I only pray that children were never exposed to it.
Dr. Blumenthal [sobbing]: Sure—maybe we should have known better than to review a place best known for its vegetarian fare. Sure—we could have spoken out when we saw a menu that actually said [Dr. Blumenthal drops his face into his hands and pauses] “black bean burger with vegan mayo.” I mean, what kind of god allows that?
Dr. McManus [controlled, adamant]: The patty was beyond well done. Practically a briquette. No wing sauce in the world could have saved it. But it was the bun, your honors. Don’t you understand? The bun. Dry as the Sahara. It crumbled in my hands. [Dr. McManus’ further comments on the bun were deemed too graphic for public release and have been sealed.]
Michael’s Review: 1 out of 5
Scott’s Review: 1.5 out of 5
John’s Review: 1 out of 5