Who are you, and why should I care what you say?
The Straight Beef is created by the Triangle’s three most qualified burger-eaters: Michael Marino, John McManus, and Scott Blumenthal.
What makes you bozos qualified to review burgers?
We estimate that between the three of us, we’ve consumed more than 320,000 burgers over the course of our lives. That’s the equivalent of 1066 cows, or 11 cows per year per guy (give or take a cow).
What? That’s ridiculous. What’s the real reason you’re qualified to review burgers?
We were hoping not to resort to this, but here it is, a listing of our academic credentials:
Scott Blumenthal is a leading British burgrarian, having spent eight years as a research fellow at Cheltenham & Gloucester College of Meat Pies. He is the author of the “The Demise of Henry VIII: Conspiracy, Treason, and One Too Many Patty Melts.”
Michael Marino holds a Ph.D. from Tufts University in Holistic Burgology, with a concentration in Condiments. He is the author of the highly regarded “Achieving Complete Peace and Wellness, One Burger at a Time.”
John McManus is a distinguished burgonomist who was nominated for a Nobel Prize in 2008 for his groundbreaking experiments in burgronomic physics. His Yale dissertation, “Molecular Burgonomics: An Anatomy of Fixins,” is considered the benchmark in the field.
Wow—I’m impressed! Tell me more.
Though technically not a question, we’ll see what we can do. Here’s some information about how we go about our business:
We’ve got burger reviews down to a system, with three primary categories: Classic Rocks (flat-grilled and open-grilled burgers with traditional ingredients), Snooty Beauties (gourmet burgers that care a lot about their looks), and Look at Me! (a category that focuses on burgers that, like your uncle Frank who wears a bowl of fruit on his head, are eccentric but fun). We’ve also got the subcategories—quality of bun, pickles, etc.—down to a science. Don’t you worry about nothin’.