Reverend Rants

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The Straight Beef is pleased to announce its new recurring feature, “Reverend Rants,” in which our spiritual guide Reverend Don Corey will seize you by your burgiatric soul and shake it. Hard.

Burger pilgrims, I stand before you today, humbled. Humbled by the grace of the burger. This object of my love—this savory sanctity—touches me, pilgrims, deep, deep in my soul. I am overcome—trembling, speechless, when a vision of burger perfection is placed before me, juicy, steaming, dripping, smoldering. Rapture.

But there are temptations in this world, pilgrims, that can waylay this trip to burger heaven. Now, I speak today of those charged with the preparation of the very manna of the burger gods. If they cook the burger incorrectly, or if they used unchaste ingredients and toppings, or, worst of all, if they cook from a frozen patty, a crime has been committed. Their soul is not pure. They have forsaken piety and have strayed from the path of burger righteousness. An angel has fallen. A transgression has occurred, and we all suffer.

That is until we must make a pilgrimage to one of the Hallowed Five. Only then can we understand our waywardness and rejoice in the glow of true deliciousness. Amen, pilgrims. Amen!