Review #77 – Red Robin Gourmet Burgers and Brews (Apex, NC)

April 16, 2018 michaelm

You May Ask Yourself, “How Did I Get Here?”

The Straight Beef is used to the rarified atmosphere of top-notch burger joints. We don’t care if that burger comes on Wedgwood china or on a chipped diner plate that hasn’t been truly clean since the Nixon administration. In fact, we loved to be surprised. We are thrilled when the best burger around comes from a dimly lit, greasy bar where your feet stick to the floor and you’re a little afraid to use the restroom (Chad: I’m looking at you Ty’s in Wichita, KS).

But we get it. Sometimes you need a clean, well lighted place with a predictable, no-risk burger — a place you can go after soccer or choir practice and mom and dad can have a beer while the kids have a burger that tastes the same in Poughkeepsie as it does in Apex.

But sometimes those places lead to a crisis of conscience, a testing of the faith. Like many others before us, we turn to the great philosophers like Plato, Aristotle, and the Talking Heads, because . . .

You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large mini-van

And you may find yourself in a booth at Red Robin

And you may find yourself with a beautiful menu in your hand

And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?

Michael’s Review: The Madlove Burger

This ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no foolin’ around — 1/2lb patty topped with a Cheddar and Parmesan crisp, Provolone and Swiss cheese, jalapeño relish, candied bacon, avocado, citrus-marinated tomatoes and onion on a toasted ciabatta bun.

Two’s company. Three’s a crowd. Eight is more than enough.

That’s 8 toppings. Nine if you include the shredded romaine lettuce. Too much. The bacon was there mainly because it is probably expected for a burger to have bacon on it. I couldn’t even tell that the lettuce, tomatoes, and onion were there. Cheese? Maybe. They didn’t use a particularly piquant variety. It didn’t really add anything. The standout of this crowd was the jalapeño relish. Great balance of sweet and spicy.

That being said, the ciabatta bun held everything together remarkably well. The patty was way over-cooked. Tastes like it was forgotten on the grill. Not just well-done but burnt. I ain’t got time for that now. 3.25

Don’s Review: Royal Red Robin

I can’t seem to face up to the facts. I’m tense and nervous, can’t relax. Can’t eat, full of malaise. Burger ruined by mayonnaise.

So. Much. Mayo.

Notes from the burger psych ward:

first bite was great… second bite was mayo… third bite was mayo, etc.
In fact there was a 1:1 ratio, mayo to lettuce
No individual flavors- even after scraping off Mayo
Burger was over done
Egg was slightly over done
Only the fact that it was so disappointing made it memorable.
started really strong, ended in me becoming a psycho-killer. Bad burger, ques que ces – better run, run, run, run away. 2.75

Carolyn’s Review: Sir Acha Tavern Double

Watch out, you might get what you’re after. Cool baby, strange but not a stranger, my burger was burning down the house — 2 flattened patties topped with sriracha onion straws, American cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato and spicy mayo.

A bright spot in a sea of mediocrity.

Everyone else got the adult burgers in the room and mine came out like I had ordered off the kids menu. Little did we all know that I would have the last happy laugh. The burger was on point and got better with each bite. The toppings were proportionally right and none of them overwhelmed any other. And the onion straws. Good lord, those onion straws were a delight. Crunchy and salty and totally setting off the mild – but still recognizable – spiciness of the mayo. The patties were cooked through but they weren’t necessarily the star of the show – it was more of an ensemble. I would eat this burger again any day of the week. Maybe even EVERY day of the week. 4.25

Chad’s Review: Bacon Cheeseburger

I don’t know why you treat me so bad. Think about the things we could have had. You take my money, add calories. Sodium levels take me to my knees. It makes me wanna say…take me to the river. Drop me in the water. Take me to the river. At least refill my water.

Plenty of Na. Needs more Cl.

If you are on a low-sodium diet, Red Robin is not your place. They helpfully add up all of the calories, fat levels, sodium content, et al, on their website. That let me know that my Bacon Cheeseburger and a handful of fries hit the 2000mg daily limit exactly. While I admire the precision, that meant that I couldn’t really eat much the rest of the day. And what did I get for my sacrifice? An overdone, under-seasoned – yes, under-seasoned at 2000mg of sodium, a true miracle of chemistry – burger with limp, tasteless bacon. I’m willing to make adjustments to be able to splurge every once in a while, but the splurge must be worth it. The Red Robin bacon cheeseburger isn’t. 2.5