First, I respectfully request absolute confidentiality. The predicament I am about to set forth is of a most personal nature, and I would be mortified were it to be made public in any way. I ask that you do not publish this letter on your website, and that do not use my real name. I am extremely uncomfortable even writing this, but my wife insists that I finally seek professional advice.
Very well, then. Here it is.
I am experiencing…let’s call them “burger-related challenges” of an intimate nature. I do not consume red meat with any regularity, but I do so enjoy a good burger every now and again (especially the ones you recommend on your fine site!). Unfortunately, for several days after, I cannot seem to…“start the grill,” you might say! Do you think this might be due to the amino acids found in beef, or perhaps the phosphorus content? I really don’t want to give up my occasional burger, but I also do not want to jeopardize my well-being and health of my marriage.
Please, again, I am grateful for your discretion.
This has got to be the most pathetic sob story I have heard in my 32 years in burgiatric psychology. You are a weak, lily-livered man-worm, Phil. Waa—I choose my marriage over eating burgers! Waa—eating so many burgers is having an adverse effect on my body! Waa—you care more about your stupid advice column than you do about me and our six children! Waa—which do you choose, your family or your precious hamburgers?! Waa—I’m leaving now, you infantile jerk! Waa waa waa, Phil!
Does that help, Phil? Does it? Waaaaaaa!
Ask the Burgiatrist