Category: Reviews

Review #19: My Way Tavern (Holly Springs, NC)

Michael’s Review

Made “My Way,” with provolone, grilled onions, banana peppers, pepperoni (Look At Me!)

As I was trying to write my review, my mind kept going back to My Way as sung by Frank Sinatra. So, I went with it.

[audio:http://thestraightbeef.com/media/mywaytsb.mp3]

"We might have been meant for each other. To be or not to be. Let our hearts discover." Alas, it was not to be.

Michael’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5

John’s Review

Red Wine sauce & sauteed portabella mushrooms (Snooty Beauty)

At My Way, I broke from a long stretch of Classic Rocks burgers to try a Snooty Beauty. What can I say? It was just okay. Honestly, I’m finding it hard these days wax poetic about the latest slightly-better-than-average burger. There are so damn many of them! Good enough, but nothing special.

What the hell is that on my screen? I’m always cleaning this thing and it’s never clean! Then you try to scrape off a little speck with a fingernail and you leave a big fingerprint on there. Geez! And my keyboard is a dust trap, look at that.

Oh, right. My Way. Sorry. Okay, so this thing had red wine sauce and portabella mushrooms. Came on another &#!@$%*@#&#& Kaiser roll, but as least it was on the more moist and less flaky end of the Kaiser spectrum. It tasted okay, but no burger magic. No endorphins. I just wish.

Sweet! Jaws is coming on! Welp, I know what I’ll be doing for the next couple of hours. What a flick! Just kind of takes you away, you know? Kids are napping, dear wife’s on the Triangle Mommies chattin’ away, and we’ve got beer and chili cheese Fritos! This is the first one, of course. All of the sequels should be burned, deleted, erased, eradicated. But the first one! Shhh. Sssshhhhh. SHARK! Can’t beat the characters, the dialogue, the menacing and surprising plot iterations of calm, chaos, consternation, camaraderie. The wonderful crescendo to calamity! Then, of course, ultimate victory, if at a price, and the denouement to our two heroes kicking ashore in the distance on a couple of yellow buoys tied to a deck board. So cool how they step ashore as the very last credit rolls. Quint! “Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies…” “Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women!” “Not a bad record for this here vicinity!” The inimitable Robert Shaw, and the ONLY man who could’ve played that part. Jaws is high art, and that’s final.

That's no candy-gram. You're that land shark, aren't you?

Huh? Burger? Sorry. Another 3.25

Scott’s Review

Made “My Way,” with cheddar, lettuce, tomato, bacon (Classic Rocks)

Meh.

Scott’s Rating: 3.25/5


My Way Tavern on Urbanspoon

Review #18: Crabtree Tavern (Raleigh, NC)

Scott’s Review

BBQ Bacon burger (Classic Rocks)

I’ve always been wary of dating restaurants I meet on the Internet. It’s just too easy to slap on a sexy homepage and strut one’s virtual delectables across something as deceptive and inedible (believe me—I’ve tried) as a computer monitor. But there I was again, ready to play the burger field with a restaurant about which I knew nothing, save for its name, address, and a clear understanding that it likes sports.

At first, I was sure I’d been duped again. Online, the place fancied itself an “upscale sports bar,” but its collar—from the mellow, homey atmosphere to the “Go local sports teams!” décor—couldn’t have been more blue. I thought that our tête-à-tête would be brief and unmemorable, that we would exchange pleasantries but not phone numbers.

My number? Uh...um...sure. It's 867-5309.

But when it came down to what really matters in life—our innermost feelings about patty seasoning, where we stood on the big issues like shredded vs. whole-leaf lettuce, our shared belief that the blend of fixins is greater than the sum of its parts—we managed to do just fine. Not a sizzling romance, perhaps, but a perfectly agreeable burger-burgiatrist friendship—one, with wings as good as theirs, with benefits.

Not ready to bring it home to the folks, but a good, solid burger.

Scott’s review: 3.25 out of 5.

Michael’s Review

Classic Tavern burger (Classic Rocks)

 

Imagine coming home from work. The house is relatively quiet, dinner is on the stove, and nothing to attend to but a spot in a comfy recliner. That’s what the Classic Tavern burger is. Nice build, crisp lettuce, juicy tomato, flavorful patty, perfectly melted cheese. It is simply an easy burger to enjoy. John and I seriously considered ordering another one and splitting it.

No one thing was outstanding about this burger. However, it does not fall into the same category as Scott’s “extra-medium” Spirits burger. The total experience was greater than the sum of its parts.

The cook at Crabtree Tavern got it right. Everything came together into a truly enjoyable burger. It was a potato bun away from approaching Mojoe’s perfection. The dry kaiser requires a full point deduction, though.

Michael’s Review: 4 out of 5.

John’s Review

Classic Tavern burger (Classic Rocks)

Always judge a book by its cover, that’s what I say. Then you’re more apt to be pleasantly surprised in life. Take, for example, the TSB visit to Crabtree Tavern…

As we drove up a slight grade toward the restaurant and it revealed its façade, I was struck by the fact that the size and shape of the building was reminiscent of a chain restaurant, and there was a quirky glass entrance that felt like it could go with some sort of restaurant-chain theme. Turns out that the Crabtree isn’t part of a chain, but chain-bar-food expectations were set nevertheless.

Mmmmm...pleasant surprise.

As we entered the restaurant and panned across the unusually open layout of the place, I noted the big central rectangle of a bar, booths along walls, railings dividing sections of tables on the open floor, tv screens with sports, and lots of banners, framed ads, and other typical sports bar & grill accoutrements. It was a bit of a barn of a place…unusually open, capacious, and lacking the many typical nooks and cozy spaces of its peer establishments. Perhaps because of its size and openness, but also its healthy number of jovial customers, I felt at once exposed at our table, but glad to be a part of that sprawling and bustling crowd of jovial diners and drinkers. Once I took it all in, I found myself in a good mood and glad to be where I was. At the same time, there was something quirky and inchoate about the place, and thus my expectations for the burger dipped from chain-level to dubious-chain-level.

SURPRISE!

Great service and a spanking good burger! Another #$&^!#$*&^$%!!! Kaiser roll, but a decent one (as far as they go), and it managed no to distract too much from a shockingly well-cooked and flavorful patty as the centerpiece to a well-built and balanced ensemble of fresh vegetables and melty, greasy, gooey cheese. This was a strong burger, and I’m pleased to say that once again—thanks to my own cynicism and characteristic prejudgment—I was very pleasantly surprised. Only the tiniest of room for improvement with the patty and the frustrating faux pas of the Kaiser hold this burger back to a tap-dancing 4.5.


P.S. Until we’ve visited a burger joint more than once, there’s always a risk that we’ll later regret our most positive reviews. Have no reason to doubt that Crabtree would come through for you if you follow my recommendation, but feel obligated to offer the caveat, lest you suffer an off night like the one I had recently at Bonefish Grill—one of our highest rated burgers despite the being out of their forte and, on my second visit, I was served a rock-hard, over-seasoned brick of a burger on an over toasted bun. Crabtree has earned its review, so go, and I’ll cross my fingers that you don’t get “Bonefished.”

Crabtree Tavern on Urbanspoon

Review #17: Brewmasters Bar and Grill (Raleigh)

  • Joint: Brewmasters Bar and Grill
  • Burger: The Hangover (Michael), The Brewmaster (Scott), The Standard (John)
  • Category: Classic Rocks (John), Look at Me! (Scott and Michael)

Michael’s Review

Michael’s review: 4.75 out of 5.

Scott’s Review

The life of a burgiatrist's wife has certain...advantages.

Despite being married to a celebrated burgiatrist, a former research fellow at Cheltenham & Gloucester College of Meat Pies, my wife isn’t much into hamburgers. (Nobody’s perfect.) So when I saw the expression of burger joy on her face as she savored the Brewmaster Burger at Brewmasters Bar and Grill in downtown Raleigh (formerly the Cherry Bomb Grill), my suspicions were confirmed: This burger is something special.

For the first time since being becoming a PhB, I returned to an establishment for a second visit within a week of the first. This burger—a shockingly delicious ménage of bleu cheese crumbles and cherry “beermalade” on a truly fine patty (ringing with notes of rosemary and Worchester)—had enchanted me, captivated me, bedeviled me, to the point where I was drawn back to the corner of Martin and Dawson Streets yet again, mouth open, like a baby chick squeaking for more.

The details of my second visit were different: I was with my betrothed on date night, as opposed to my burgiatric brethren on burger night; I sided with the tasty homemade mac salad instead of the masterfully crisped fries; I traveled farther down their highway of 66 beers, enjoying a Shotgun Betty instead of the previous week’s Blue Moon. The entrée, however, was exactly, blissfully, the same: the hand-crafted, sweet n’ savory, don’t-talk-to-me-I’m-eating, toppings-are-gonna-dribble-on-the-plate-but-that’s-OK-they’re-condiments-now, Brewmaster Burger.

The burgiatric moral of the story is this: When you go for your first Brewmaster, be sure to tell your wife—or husband, or girlfriend, or pal, or mail carrier, or hamster—not to be insulted if you don’t take them along. You can explain that you’ll take them next time. You’ll be back.

Scott’s review: 4.75 out of 5.

John’s Review

Now here’s a genuine surprise! A Classic Rocks that rocks just fine in the category, while throwing in a couple of swanky dance moves that will please the Snooty Beauty crowd.

The Standard burger at Brewmasters is a unique Classic Rock (more on that oxymoron later): a fresh, high fat—ground chuck, most likely—patty perfectly charred on a venerable flat grill that tells epic stories of its ancestral patties through its deep and meaningful flavor. (As a side note, and in perhaps the most didactic line of this review, I’ll inform you that every bit of this history-infused flavor exists soley in the charred edges of the patty—and oh how magical those bits of sizzled beef fat can be! Your homework to fully absorb this knowledge awaits you at Johnson’s in Siler City.) From here, suffice it to say that the American cheese, veggies, and mayo were all up to standard for the Classic category; they were fresh, colorful, flavorful, and stacked in proper build order. All the ingredients came together in harmony, and endorphins flowed freely in the warm moments of burger bliss.

Hmm. How can I use the word oxymoron in my review?

Now, about that oxymoron…How can a burger be both a Classic Rocks and unique?

It’s those swanky dance moves I mentioned…an unusual bun and a surprising flare of flavor.

We asked about it, and the bun—brought in fresh from a local baker—was identified as a Kaiser. Those of you familiar with my disdain for the use of Kaiser rolls in burguisine will certainly anticipate a complaint. There is none. And though I will not question the baker on the classification of his own buns (nor would I question ANYONE on the classification of their own buns), I have to say that it was like no Kaiser I’ve encountered. This one was soft, even moist. It had the outward appearance of a Kaiser, but the texture and flavor of perhaps a potato roll. I was pleased by this, and even though I would have preferred an eggier, or more classic potato roll, I was content. Definitely a unique aspect of this burger, but perhaps more surprising and unique was the seasoning involved with the patty. Notice I say “with” and not “in” the patty, as I would never classify a burger as a Classic Rock if seasoning had been mixed into the pre-cooked patty. The indirect seasoning of this patty came from the methodology they employ in caring for and cooking on their very special flat grill. The result is a rich undercurrent of flavor that surprises, excites, and satisfies. These are the aforementioned surprising and sophisticated Snooty Beauty elements of this burger, yet it remains a true Classic Rocks. And I thought I’d seen it all!

One more thing…With such a strong undercurrent of great flavor comes the one exception I must make: Most great Classic Rocks burgers are capable of being blissfully devoured once per week, if not once per day. Because of this one’s unique flavor—wonderful though it may be—burger lovers might find themselves longing for the comfort of the true standard at that kind of frequency. With that one caveat, this is also not one to me missed, and I’m pretty sure I could dig on one every other week for the rest of my life without looking back.

4.5 out of 5. A strong, and surprising, Classic Rocks.


Brewmasters Bar and Grill on Urbanspoon

Review #16: City Beverage (Durham)

  • Joint: City Beverage
  • Burger: Fuego Diablo (Michael), Blackened Blue (Scott), Super Deluxe (John)
  • Category: Look At Me! (Scott and Michael), Classic Rocks (John)

Michael: Is anyone else having a hard time writing the City Beverage review? I just can’t get it going.

John: City Bev-a-what? Huh?

Scott: That was the one with the bleu cheese and kaiser roll, right? Decent burger. I guess it’s time to write the review, eh?

Michael: Yes–I had the burger with like 50 toppings on it. I’ve have had my share of burgers that have had odd toppings, but those ingredients had purpose. The City Beverage (Fuego Diablo burger?), on the other hand, seemed like they took a standard burger and threw ingredients onto it until it sounded Mexican enough.

Scott: Isn’t that how Taco Bell got its name?

Michael: I’m looking at the description. The thing actually had seven toppings. Lettuce, tomato, onion, avocado, smoking hot chile relish, applewood smoked bacon, and queso fundido.

John: Sounds like a mariachi band of flavor. Who ate that? Was I with you guys that night?

Michael: Mariachi band indeed. Unfortunately, what I got was white noise. Remove the lettuce, tomato, onion, and bacon and serve it on anything but a kaiser roll. Then, it might be a 4.25. It would have been actually manageable to eat, and it would have allowed the really cool ingredients like the queso fundido and chile relish to shine. Unfortunately, the character of this burger was lost in trying to do too much.

Scott: My review is slightly more favorable. I got the Blackened Blue burger, with a “messy blue cheese sauce.” They didn’t lie. The sauce was both messy and blue cheese-y. I enjoyed it. Wished it wasn’t on a kaiser roll, but I’m beginning to realize that without the most basic understanding of the burgiatric sciences, one might be tempted to do something as unforgivable as hide a perfectly respectable burger inside a mountain of bready thickness.

Wait. Is that a potato bun over there?

John: I seem to recall a hip little joint with eclectic décor and a big poster of somebody–maybe Laird Hamilton or Brad Gerlach–dropping into a huge wave at Jaws in Hawaii. Was that it? I’m sure I ate one, but don’t recall the burger much at all. Think it was just okay. Pretty cool poster though.

If only the burger was as simple as their menu.

Michael’s review: 3.5 out of 5

Scott’s review: 3.75 out of 5

John’s review: 3.25 out of 5

City Beverage on Urbanspoon

Review #15: MacGregor Draft House (Cary)

  • Joint: MacGregor Draft House
  • Burger: Kansas City Burger (Scott), Fromage a Trois (John), California Burger (Michael)
  • Category: Classic Rocks

Scott’s Review

Did this happen?

If you asked me to recall a meal from my childhood—let’s say something I ate 30 years ago—I’d do my best toremember. I’d close my eyes. I’d concentrate. I’d cull together every speck of memory that I could—tastes, smells, shapes—in an effort to provide you with as substantive a response as I was capable. I would recognize, however—and hope you would too—that my attempt would fall short, and that my recounting would be little more than invention, constructed, perhaps, from a single fossil of recall.

If you asked me about last week’s burger at MacGregor Draft House in Cary, my response would be equally as vague. I can hardly remember a thing about it. Still, I’d do my best to remember. I’d close my eyes. I’d concentrate. I’d cull together every speck of memory that I could. In the end, though, I’d come up with little more than shape-shifting memories that appear and disappear like smoke. Wispy words like “average” and “fair” and “meh.” Fuzzy phrases like “decent enough” and “not terrible.” Hazy sentences like “Given how long we’re waiting for our food, we should request a senior citizen discount.”

That’s not to say that the experience was bad per se—as I also have equally amorphous memories of a pleasant atmosphere, good beer selection, and tasty fried mushrooms—it’s just that I’m not prepared to commit one way or another. My memory of it just isn’t that good.

Scott’s review: 3 out of 5.

John’s Review

I’m growing tired and weary. No longer do I have the energy to educate and re-educate on how a burger made with fresh, decent quality ingredients can still fail to produce burger magic. Or why dry Kaiser rolls have no place in the burger world. Or why the order of the build is so important. We at TSB have been in a slump lately of suffering down the weak culinary attempts of dilettantes to deliver burger magic. Suffice to say that the ability to produce a top hat, stick, and rabbit does not a magician make. To the epicurean burger lovers out there I say, read no further and avoid the burger at Macgregor unless you have to kill time while your car’s in the shop at the autopark. To the rest of you out there who are perfectly satisfied to lose yourselves in knock-off music of a cover band, swill two-buck-chuck to stupidity with inordinate wonder and pleasure, or stare obdurately into the print instead of the painting, I say, “Bon Appétit!”

John’s Review: 3.0, or “Will do if your car’s in the shop.”

 

Michael’s Review

Imagine Ferris Bueller’s economics teacher. Go ahead. That’s it. The dullness, the drabness, the lethargy. That’s the California burger at MacGregor Draft House.

The California was your standard bacon cheeseburger, with a glob of guac to give MacGregor license to don it “California.” The bacon was carelessly placed, with the lettuce, tomato, and onion on the side. (A tip for all burger purveyors: Remember the McDLT? You know, “Keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool”? Well, it was discontinued. For a reason.) I had to rearrange the bacon, spread the guacamole, and construct the burger myself. I got the impression that the cook was just as bored making it as I was eating it. The burger’s saving grace was the patty itself. Tender and juicy, cooked just shy of medium.

The place itself was cozy with lots of TVs. The wings and fried mushrooms were very good. If you want a place to watch the game while you are eating, I’ll recommend the MacGregor Draft House. As for the burger, well…Bueller? Bueller?

Michael’s review: 3.25 out of 5.

Kansas City to California: 1600 miles or one glob of guacamole.

Macgregor Draft House on Urbanspoon

Review #14: Abbey Road (Cary)

  • Joint: Abbey Road
  • Burger: George Burger
  • Category: Classic Rocks

John’s Review

Abbey Road to Nowhere

With a Little Help from My Friends, I was encouraged to give Abbey Road another try. I’d been there before, but had no plans to ever Get Back. The burger had not lived up to the hype, and I was content to just Let it Be. Nevertheless, I walked into Abbey Road recently for the second time, filled with hope and repeatedly sending out a telepathic message: Please Please Me.

Before I offer my professional opinion of this burger, a message for the proprietors of Abbey Road: I Want to Be Your Man. I do. I want to give you All My Lovin’. Love Me Do the concept of your establishment, and when I first heard from some dilettante burger-likin’ acquaintances of mine  the pitch about your theme, the beers, and the basic building blocks of your burgers, I thought to myself, Got to Get You into My Life! Well, In My Life, I’ve given you two tries now, and I have to say, because of one maddeningly foolish mistake, I have to say Hello, Goodbye. (The good news is, We Can Work it Out. Just change one thing—well maybe two things—and I’ll be there Eight Days a Week. Until then, you’re going Nowhere Man!)

Not a Second Time! I Should Have Known Better. Whether it was at the prodding of my “friends,” or someone simply slipped me a Yellow Submarine, I found myself Back in the USSR. The waitresses, Sexy Sadie, Lovely Rita, and Michelle, were friendly enough, but moved like Eleanor Rigby. That said, they’re not the real maddening problem here. No, the Yoko in this situation is the Day Tripper that decided to choose a bun made of Norwegian Wood as the wrapper for the otherwise lovely ingredients of this 4-plus-potential burger. I don’t care how freshly baked it is, if a bun is too thick, dense, and dry to allow all members of the burger orchestra to Come Together, be heard and to blend into blissful harmony, it’s a jackleg mistake of the highest order, and it makes me want to get my Revolver.

So, to Abbey Road I say, while I Want to Hold Your Hand, you’ve got to get rid of that bun first. That #$%&!@*&^%$#!@! bun! You’d be better off buying one at the grocery store. Take my keys; you can Drive My Car.

Burger: 3.0, objectively. Factor in my frustration at that Yoko Ono of a Kaiser roll and the slow service, and it’s a 2.5.

Can this burger Carry That Weight? No.

Michael’s Review

When I get home from a burger outing, I make notes of my first impressions in an old-school notebook. Then, I put them away and don’t look at them again for a few days. When I looked back at my notes on Abbey Road, I decided I didn’t need to change them much.

Scott’s Review

Abbey Road on Urbanspoon

Review #13: Buns (Chapel Hill)

  • Joint: Buns
  • Burger: Double Stack (various toppings)
  • Category: Classic Rocks

John’s Review

I’m a sensitive man, and I’m proud of it. Many a time have I found myself overwhelmed by a sudden revelation of sheer varicolored beauty, in rich chiaroscuro and in salient relief to the fundamental grayness of this world and our lives within it. When I’m blessed with such revelations, I absorb them instantly, completely, and make no effort to abate my tears of joy. This time, it was captured for posterity.

Look at the deep saturation of natural color in the image above. Witness the wondrous interplay of the fluorescent light upon the curved surface of the freshly baked bun, verdant lettuce, and healthy tomato, with the deep shadows of the perfectly charred ground chuck and sautéed mushrooms. Behold in this moving burgiatric composition not only the colors and textures of the fresh ingredients, but how the elements relate. The vision comes to magical fruition and bespeaks a talented artist who creates with love and passion.

Buns is owned and operated by a man who loves and understands a great burger. I know this from eating one of his creations and from listening to him share not only his own burgologic values, but his sincere appreciation for the offerings of other gifted peers. Rather than dive into exposition on each ingredient of this burger, I’ll let the image above and my emotion within it do the talking. Buns is recommended with a strong 4.5. I hold back on giving a perfect 5 because the delicious ground chuck patties were capable of a bit more juiciness (though I checked with our proprietor and he assured me that no patty-pressing occurs under his roof….Thus, it is a mystery). Perhaps on my next visit, which will certainly be soon.

Michael’s Review

This is The Straight Beef’s 13th official review, but I urge all triskaidekaphobics to set aside your superstitions for a moment.

I eschewed the typical toppings for my Buns burger, going with sautéed mushrooms, Brie, and pesto mayonnaise. Going without lettuce or tomato was almost exotic. Made for a burger that was earthy in aesthetic and flavor. It was a welcome change of pace from the usual American cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Not for the novice, though.

At first taste, the burger seemed a little dry, like it might have been left on the grill a little long. I thought it might have been because there wasn’t quite enough mayo. When I went to ask for more, the owner (George, more on him later) said he had originally thought the cook used too much and had him scrape it off. The fact that he cared enough to make that adjustment speaks volumes about his burger philosophy.

In Buns we trust.

After a lengthy conversation with George Ash, Buns’ owner, about a wide range of burgiatric topics, I decided to confer upon him an honorary Doctor of Letters for his tireless work in the field of burgiatry. As for my burger, I confer upon it a 4.75.

Scott’s Review

A disclaimer: It has been suggested by a reader that The Straight Beef was preordained to review Buns, Chapel Hill’s popular new burger joint. After all, averred the shrewd observer, both parties have names that are “more than slightly suggestive.” Rather than deign to respond, I will simply dismiss this suggestion is ludicrous, unseemly, and more than slightly rude. But because this is a family site, and because I recognize that the confluence of the two names in question might result in an inappropriate—albeit unintentional—implication, I will place my review on a separate page, to ensure that minors be shielded from any erroneous turn of phrase.

Yes, I am over 18.

I am not over 18.

Nice tomato.

Buns on Urbanspoon

Review #12: The Raleigh Times (Raleigh)

Scott’s Review (Classic Rocks)

THIS JUST IN: Researchers Call Raleigh Times Burger “Weak-Ass”

According to a recent report by the National Burgiatric Institute (NBI), a federally funded research and development center established to determine the merit and edibility of U.S. hamburgers, the burger at the downtown Raleigh eatery The Raleigh Times Bar is “weak-ass.”

“Dude, the burger was like…charred. I mean seriously,” said Eric Zuckerberg, renowned burgologist and NBI’s lead researcher. “And don’t even talk to me about the bun. It wasn’t even that good.  It was like…dry. I mean c’mon.”

Zuckerberg, whose landmark study “Eukaryotic Cellular Mitosis in Patty Melts” brought national attention to the post-modernist burgiatry movement, said that he was “totally surprised because everyone is always like, dude, you have to go to The Raleigh Times and check out their burger.” Zuckerberg added, “Whatever, dude.”

The NBI rating was “weak-ass,” just above “lame-ass” and just below “s’alright” on the NBI Fleischner-Cerrano Burgery Scale.

Scott’s rating: 2.25 out of 5.

Michael’s Review (Look at Me!)

A Comparative Study of Expectations Versus Experience: The Raleigh Times

By Michael Marino, PhB

Abstract: The burger at The Raleigh Times Bar was recommended by a number of people. This study will evaluate the expectation generated by those recommendations and the actual burger experience.

Method: My colleagues and I defined our expectations (E) as a unit of measure that is consistent with our rating system, which assesses burger quality on a scale of 1 to 5. Given the high expectations established by our readers, we set our expectation rating in this case as E = 4. I will focus here on my own experience (R).

Experience: I ordered the salami brie burger, medium rare. The option to order the burger at a preparedness level less than medium—the standard minimum at most restaurants—increased E to 4.5. The build of my burger was simple: burger, salami, Brie, caramelized onions, tomato, mayo. The salami was grilled, the Brie was melted but maintained its form, and the onions were pleasantly pungent. The overall presentation was good, a vital determinant of R >= E. Unfortunately, the flavor of char was so strong that it overpowered the delicate flavor of the Brie. (Char is an interesting phenomenon. If used correctly, it can give the burger a deep smoky flavor and add a satisfying firmness to the chewing experience. In this case, however, it tasted as if the burger were burned on a grill that wasn’t fully cleaned.) The inside was indeed medium rare, but the surface diminished the experience overall.

Conclusions: The Raleigh Times scores points for originality of ingredients. However, the quality of the patty itself detracted significantly from the overall experience. Though we burgiatrists do not allow expectation to color experience, for the layperson E will usually negatively affect R. My recommendations are to temper E, as to not be disappointed.

In the case of The Raleigh Times, E > R, and R = 3.

John’s Review (Classic Rocks)

An Epicurean Burger Axiom

(one that is important for Raleigh Times—and all the no-palate dilettantes who claimed their burger was good—to understand)

It is easy to make a burger look good, but there is little correlation between burger appearance and burger bliss.

It’s not enough to buy good-quality beef, cook it up, melt some cheese on it and then present it on an open, toasted bun. Even if all of the elements of the burger are of adequate quality and look colorful and fresh arranged so prettily on the plate, burger bliss will only be achieved if each ingredient was selected, prepared and assembled with the love and alchemy of a talented and devoted burger chef. One who understands what it takes to bring to fruition the full flavor potential of the patty and to conduct, as if with the elements of an orchestra, the complete harmony of the ingredients. A thesis, as only an introduction to a full education, could follow here on tools (such as a seasoned flat-grill), techniques and theories on the mysterious influence of the burger cosmos, but for that, I refer you to the Universität Müenster in Hamburg, Germany.

Which brings me to the much-touted burger at Raleigh Times. There was no love, no magic, no mystery to this burger. It was simply a decent patty, cooked poorly and laid out prettily upon an open bun (an affectation of presentation that annoys a true burgiatrist, as it serves no purpose but to release heat and hinder the ability of the ingredients to balance their temperature and meld their flavors prior to the first bite. Exhibit A: McDonalds’ McDLT). The bun looked good, but was utterly dry and flavorless. The tomato was red but mushy, and also flavorless. The patty was cooked through and the char on the outside had the caustic flavor of burnt gristle, rather than the pleasant undertone of salty sizzled beef fat. For what little it’s worth, the lettuce was okay.

This burger came out looking pretty on the plate, and between that and the reputation that preceded it, I was optimistic. It was served without mayo, so after I waited quite a while for it, assembled my own burger and waited just a minute for the flavors and temperatures to come together, I took a bite and was instantly disappointed. It was not cooked to temperature, the truth of the colorful individual ingredients was revealed, and—most disappointingly—there was absolutely no magic, no harmony, no burger bliss.

Raleigh Times was a cool place with a great vibe. I was rooting for it, but the burger, and the service let me down (a smile would be nice, mayo can be retrieved in less than five minutes, and the bartender can probably confirm whether you have a particular libation before you tell your customer you don’t). With the ingredients involved, this will never be a great burger, but with the touch of a true burger chef who could apply a little love and magic, it had the potential to reach a 3.5. However, it comes in at a lowly 2.5. If it’s a great burger you’re after, don’t waste your Raleigh Time.

Raleigh Times Bar on Urbanspoon

Reviews #10 and #11: Bonefish Grill (Cary) and Cheesecake Factory (Raleigh)

John’s Reviews:

A Kind of Kobe Komparison

 

Preface: Let me speak for the TSB faculty and state for the record—for anyone who may look upon the comparative review that follows with a measure of cockeyed scrutiny—that we are simply not for sale. Our pledged allegiance is to the documentation of burger truth, as we see it, for the benefit of our constituents and fellow burger lovers across the globe. Though we did indeed accept a request from Bonefish Grill to sample their new Kobe burger creation and compare it to a Kobe burger at any restaurant of our choosing, and though we did accept a small subsidy to do so and may accept similar subsidies in the future (hint, hint), the flattery of an invitation, royal treatment upon arrival, and even the commonly corruptible power of the almighty dollar will never have the slightest impact on our collective objectivity and the unimpeachable veracity of our reviews. Again, I say, our allegiance is, and will always be, to you, and to burger truth. Amen. (Also, in light of the fact that we found ourselves at Bonefish Grill and The Cheesecake Factory to review these burgers, we have reignited our internal debate over whether to open the door to reviewing chains. My argument is that, burger truth is where you find it, and that it only makes sense that we should walk into the light, so to speak. Even if that light leads us into a Five Guys. Stay tuned for a future announcement, following our internal soul-searching and spirited discussion of this matter.)

Bonefish Grill Kobe* Burger

I like Bonefish Grill—not for the smoky flavor of their grilled fish (which I do not favor), but because I’m a sucker for the Bonefish Bang Bang Shrimp, as are most who’ve been there. However, I was more than skeptical of finding burger truth and bliss at a seafood chain, even if they did use high-quality beef. For one thing, I didn’t expect them to have the proper respect for the medium. I expected them to come through on the high-quality beef, but to then ruin it on the grill and put little to no love and care into the other ingredients and the build. I must tell you that I was pleasantly surprised overall.

There was care and love put into this burger. There were some novice mistakes in the standard ingredients (“special sauce,” for example) and the order of the build (veggies under the patty), but correct some of those when you order and you will enjoy what I consider to be a formidable gourmet burger in the Snooty Beauty classification. A rather lofty, puffy-looking fresh-baked bun looked as if it would be too much bread for the build but turned out to be satisfyingly soft and steamy. It compressed effortlessly, had a wonderful, yeasty flavor and was in perfect proportion to the other ingredients. The patty, which I was unable to order to temperature, came out a bit under-cooked, resulting in the perfect medium-rare of my strong preference, and its “Kobe” quality and rich flavor fulfilled the mouth-watering promise of the brand. My tomato was red and delicious, and the lettuce fresh and green. Cheddar cheese is a good choice for this burger, and its sharp flavor and oils blended and balanced nicely with the lush tastes of the other high-quality ingredients.

Aside from the my disagreement with the standard ingredients for this burger, the annoying affectation of having the order of the build inverted, and that a proprietary seasoning mix on the patty that was unnecessary for such high-quality beef, making the last couple of bites just a little too rich, this was one heck of a Snooty Beauty, an uplifting hymnal of burger truth, and I sing its praises. A VERY strong 4.5.

Cheesecake Factory Kobe* Burger

I’ll brief here (imagine that!). I was equally skeptical of finding burger truth at The Cheesecake Factory. I must report that I did find a small amount, but it will suffice to say that it was only in the quality of the beef. The bun, veggies, cheese, loud and unappetizingly gaudy atmosphere, and our rickety table were all a bit of a disappointment, and I decline to expound, as I am a highly skilled and respected burgiatrist, and my time is valuable. Burger: 3.5, but you can get one cheaper elsewhere. (Cheesecake: 4.5!)

*Technically speaking, neither burger is Kobe but rather American Wagyu. To its credit, Bonefish refers to “American Kobe” in its menu. (True Kobe is can only be bred in Japan. This guy explains further: http://baygourmet.tripod.com/wagyu.html).

Michael’s Reviews:

Forget About the Build

 

The Bonefish Grill

I was surprised when the people at Bonefish Grill contacted us review their burger. I didn’t even know they had one. Their instructions were do review theirs and a burger someplace else, then compare the two. We thought that the ambiance and quality of the Cheesecake Factory were similar to those of Bonefish, so we set our sights on a Bonefish vs. Cheesecake challenge.

Bonefish Grill has one burger on their menu, a basic “American Style” Kobe Beef burger that comes with cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, red onion, and “special sauce” (roughly mayo, ketchup, and relish). I chose to add avocado to mine.

The bun was grilled exactly the way I like it—just enough to keep the juices in check, but not too much that it crumbled. The order of the build was almost completely contrary to classic burgologic tradition. From the top down, it went: sauce, lettuce, tomato, onion, burger, cheese, avocado. My first bite, however, made me forget about the build.

The flavor and consistency of the patty was out of this world. Wagyu (American-style Kobe beef) is heavily marbled, and the distinctive and delicious flavor was apparent with each bite. The one strike against it was the “Bonefish seasoning,” a proprietary blend of spices, which was pleasant but a little too salty. A surprisingly great burger experience from a seafood place. My rating: 4.25.

The Cheesecake Factory

The Cheesecake Factory has a Kobe burger on their expansive menu, which allowed us to do a more apples-to-apples comparison. We asked if we could substitute the Kobe patty on any of their specialty burgers, which they did without hesitation. I ordered mine with bacon and blue cheese.

From the moment it was placed before me, I knew I would be disappointed. The bun had barely spent any time on the grill. The lettuce, tomato, and onion were underneath the patty. Plus, the lettuce and tomato were on the white side—definitely not fresh, and virtually tasteless. The bacon was in an X pattern on top of the patty, with a blob of blue cheese at the intersection. If I wanted consistent flavor throughout the burger, I’d basically had to tear it down and rebuild it. The patty itself had very good flavor and was the saving grace of the experience. My rating: 3.5.

Scott’s Review:

No, Seriously…A Fish Place

 

Year: 2052

Station: President Miley Cyrus Commemorative Moonbase

Location: Family pod of Scott “Grandpa Fixins” Blumenthal, burgrarian (ret.)

“Okay, kids, gather ‘round. It’s time for tonight’s burger tale, Bonefish and the Cheesecake.”

“But Grandpa Fixins, we heard this one already.”

“Maybe so, Steve34-2f,” said Grandpa Fixins, “but we mustn’t forget our history, lest we eat a bad burger and be doomed to repeat it.”

“Oh Grandpa Fixins,” said little Phyllis38-4a. “Do tell us the story again, won’t you?”

“All right, children,” said Grandpa Fixins, mussing little Phyllis38-4a’s hair. “Long ago, in the year 2010, The Bonefish Grill came to The Straight Beef with fifty dollars an a challenge: Try their new ‘American Style’ Kobe Beef burger, then have a burger someplace else, then write a review comparing the two.”

“Bonefish? You mean the eating station that serves Bang Bang Shrimpfood Delta?”

“That’s right, Frank11-3g.”

“Come to Bonefish,” sang Frank11-3g, the other grandchildren joining him in the jingle, “for the best non-extinct seameat in the universe. Bonefish!”

“But Grandpa Fixins,” asked Phil 19-5g, “doesn’t Bonefish serve only seameat? How good can a Bonefish burger really be?”

“That, wise Phil 19-5g, is why this story is so remarkable. You see, I too had little doubt upon entering Bonefish that the burger would be anything but middling. After all, what would a fish restaurant, as they were called in those days, know about the fine art of burgery? But heed these words, children, and let them be for you a seal upon your heart: From the moment I bit into the Bonefish burger, with its soft brioche bun, Thousand Island-esque house sauce, crisp lettuce, juicy tomato, and succulent, quality cheddar cheese, I knew that I had bitten upon something special. After two bites, The Straight Beef agreed that this burger was of exceptional quality. After three bites, we agreed it was easily in the top five burgers we’ve reviewed. After four, it cracked the top three. It truly was, children, one of the greatest burgers I’ve ever had.”

“But Grandpa Fixins,” asked Frank 11-3g, “you said that the story was Bonefish and the Cheesecake. Did you have cheesecake for dessert?”

“Not quite, Frank 11 3g,” said Grandpa Fixins, “the ‘cheesecake’ part of the story refers to the Cheesecake Factory, where we went for our comparison.”

“But what’s the Cheesecake Factory? And why would they have hamburgers?”

“The Cheesecake Factory was an eating station that was popular in the early twenty-first century. It served not only cheesecake but every other possible permutation of edible thing. Sadly,” said Grandpa Fixins, looking down, “the chain went under when the ad-laden menu became too heavy for humans to lift.”

“So how was their burger?” asked Phil 19-5g.

“Yes, Grandpa Fixins,” echoed little Phyllis38-4a. “Do tell us.”

“Well,” said Grandpa Fixins, rubbing his chin, “they served a decent burger. A respectable burger. I liked it. Phenomenal cheesecake, though.”

“But?” asked the children, leaning forward.

“But,” said Grandpa Fixins with no small measure of profundity, “it just didn’t hold a candle to the Bonefish burger.”

“What’s a candle, Grandpa Fixins?” asked little Phyllis 38-4a.

“That,” said Grandpa Fixins, “is a story for another time. Now, who’s up for Jupiter burgers, made from real Kobe beef DNA?”

Scott’s Bonefish Grill Review: 4.5

Scott’s Cheesecake Factory Review: 3.5

Bonefish Grill on Urbanspoon Cheesecake Factory on Urbanspoon

Review #9: The Corner Tavern and Grill (Cary)

John’s Review

Corner Burger (Classic Rocks with a twist…pretzel twist, that is)

When I updated my wife on the TSB agenda and told her we were going to end up at the Corner, she said, “The coroner? You certainly are, if you keep eating so many cheeseburgers!”

Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get down to business.

The Corner Grill & Tavern in Cary made it onto our review agenda strictly because it served a cheeseburger with Angus beef on a pretzel roll. Other than that, we knew little, and we liked the idea of not knowing what to expect.

Many of your strip-mall pubs do a pretty good job of creating a world apart by painting the plate-glass black or by other means of making them opaque, then overwhelming you with sports visuals or Irish/English décor and relics. Inside them, you quickly forget that you’re parked in front of a nail salon, UPS store, and grocery chain.

Not at the Corner T&G. We sat at a table along the clear glass façade, and I had an unobstructed view down the storefronts and directly into what, if I remember correctly, was some sort of salon or lady’s shop. Inside the Corner, there was low recessed lighting, various sports on the refreshingly distributed flat-screens that didn’t compete with one another in a cacophony of sight and sound, and the occasional glow of a neon beer sign. A secondary set of back doors let the light pour in and led to outdoor seating on a patio, distinguishing this place even further from the many dark-hole otherworldly pubs in strip malls.

Hence, apart from feeling a bit more open and less over-decorated than typical strip-mall pubs, and the little done-before culinary kinkiness of serving a sandwich on a pretzel roll (think Bennigan’s), the Corner didn’t present many ostensible reasons to get all hot and bothered at the start of things.

So many times in life, I’m reminded to get to know someone, or something, a little better before passing judgment. After getting to know the Corner Tavern & Grill a bit better that night, I can tell you that that pretzel roll was soft and steamy and made a uniquely delicious and functional vehicle for everything in between. And in between was pretty special as well: fresh Angus beef, as promised, cooked to temperature and blessed with melted cheese and fresh vegetables so happily in the proper build order (tomato juices blending with the mayo as they should). There was surprisingly significant burger pleasure here, bordering on bliss. I’d classify this as a Classic Rocks cheeseburger, though the pretzel roll is a little out of category and would make it one that I probably wouldn’t eat with high frequency, opting instead to have it as a change of pace.

That said, it’s a strong 4 out of 5, and I recommend that you get one from time to time. Exceptional service, with multiple staff members checking with us on the quality of our meal, including a very friendly sport of a young waiter that held his own in quick MLB banter with Dr. Blumenthal. Based on our initial visit, the Corner is nice, clean, unassuming and open, with friendly people, great service, and a damn fine cheeseburger (not to mention the wings).

 

A Note to The Corner T&G: “Fresh burger grilled to your liking served with tomato, lettuce and onion” on your menu doesn’t do this cheeseburger justice. Go ahead and brag a little.

Scott’s Review

Corner Burger (classic rocks)

So often in life we’re unpleasantly surprised. We choose the grocery line that moves four inches per hour. We go to the movie that was hyped beyond reason but was insipid beyond description. Our flight to Bermuda, where we’re going to finally get a weekend to relax, is canceled, and when we finally gets there it rains both days—and it turns out that the hotel has “four stores,” not “four stars,” and the guy at the desk is from Uruguay and doesn’t speak English and can’t follow your request not to be on the same floor as the Wisconsin Youth Soccer League on spring break.

Sometimes, however, we’re pleasantly surprised.

Truth be told, I hadn’t heard of The Corner Tavern and Grill before it was recommended by John’s wife Kim, one of the Straight Beef Ladies (don’t Google it). I went in with no prejudice, no expectations, no preconceived notions, and no expectations—just a deep, burgiatric hunger that only beef, buns, and fixins can satisfy.

I remember being literally surprised—pleasantly—when I took my first bite of the Corner Burger. Big, flavorful beef, two fat tomato slices, crispy lettuce, all between a chewy pretzel bun. I remember pointing to the burger and saying, “Hey—that’s good.” As we ate we were visited by no fewer than five employees, all of whom were concerned with our being happy and well fed. Big kudos, CTG, on your great service.

All told, the Corner Burger was a solid 4.25 out of 5. I’d recommend it to anyone who’s looking for a fine all-around burger outing, especially to those who have stood in the grocery line way too long—and are ready for a pleasant surprise.

Michael’s Review

The Mickey Burger (classic rocks)

Tucked away in a corner of the Kroger shopping center near Maynard and High House, the aptly named Corner Tavern and Grill is a gem.

Upon arriving, the hostess advised us to sit inside, as they only available outside table was in the bright sun. Just one example of the great service we received that night.

Before we knew it, our courteous, knowledgeable server brought out our appetizers: Lemon Pepper First Inning Wings and Buffalo Shrimp. I was a big fan of the lemon pepper wings. Zesty and crispy. (As a side note, they have $0.35 wings every Sunday all year round. This might have to be a repeat destination during football season.)

For the main course, I went with the Mickey’s burger, a 10-ounce Angus patty topped with applewood bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, and American cheese. (Man, I wish our nation’s restaurants would get off the applewood bacon kick. What ever happened to plain old salty bacon? But I digress.) For me, what made the burger was the pretzel roll. It had a pleasant firm yet chewy consistency. It held everything together without falling apart or getting soggy.

Over the course of the meal, five different people came up to us to ask us how we were doing, one of them being who I think was the busboy. That’s how dedicated they are to good service.

With first-class customer service and a more than solid burger, I give it a 4.25 out of 5. I can’t wait to go back.

The Corner Tavern & Grill on Urbanspoon

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