Category: Features

The Straight Beef Podcast #23

In this, the 23rd episode of The Straight Beef Podcast, Scott and Michael finish up their discussion of the perfect grind. Which combination of meats give you the best burger? Skirt steak? Brisket? Flap meat? Find out by subscribing to the podcast in iTunes or downloading directly from our Libsyn feed.

Link referenced in this podcast:

The Burger Lab: Mastering the Art of Burger Blending with Eight Cuts of Beef

Things are going to change around here

changememe

We have been doing The Straight Beef for over five years and think it is time to freshen things up a bit. Over the next few weeks, we are going to change the design. These won’t solely be aesthetic changes. We want to make it easier for you to find burgiatric information you need.

If it were the early 2000s, we would plaster the site with animated construction GIFs. As it is 2015, we humbly ask for your patience as we make changes. We think you’re going to like it.

Ask the Burgiatrist

Ask the Burgiatrist Is Back!

burgiatrist

Ask the Burgiatrist

Dear Ask the Burgiatrist,

We’re hoping you can settle a workplace debate.

It’s been forever since you’ve published your amazing burger-advice column. I’m thinking that you’re probably taking a break or sabbatical or something. (Hey, even famous burgiatrists need to recharge the grill, right?) But my co-worker has this cuh-ra-zy story that I’m practically too embarrassed to tell you. She said that when Burger King put out its “French Fry Burger” a couple of years back, you were so horrified by the idea of a burger that was basically French fries on a patty that you swore off burgiatry forever! She said that you even kind of lost it and wound up in an institution or something. Obviously, she’s the one who’s nuts. 🙂

So where have you been, ATB? I hope you say you’re coming back—we miss you!

Your fan,

Melissa Guillory

Ronkonkoma, NY

 

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for your kind words, Melissa. I’ve heard many outlandish rumors surrounding my absence, but this one surely tops them all! I shall be forever bemused by society’s affection for outlandish fiction.

I’ll do my best to explain the reason for my absence, though you’ll forgive me in advance if the explanation is humdrum at best. The response might be short, as this strait jacket makes it difficult to write. 😉

Simply put, I elected to step away from “Ask the Burgiatrist” in 2013 to pursue interests my burgiatry schedule would not allow. Chief among these was a lifelong interest in winemaking. Thus I publicly announce that I’ve busied myself as an amateur—but wholly adequate, I hope!—vintner for something over two years. So there it is! And if my explanation hasn’t lulled you to sleep completely just yet, I’ll add this: Surprisingly, the arts of burgiatry and winemaking are strikingly similar. Like a great burger, a well-crafted wine is the product of cunning combinations—of fruits and tannins, of enzymes and yeasts, of fortitude and time. Unlike burgiatry, however, winemaking could not possibly tolerate a practice as banal and insipid as merely moving four French fries two inches over, from next to the burger to on the burger.

I mean, really?

Sure, if Burger King wanted to insult the intelligence of a swamp toad—let alone a leading authority on the burgiatric arts—couldn’t it have at least gone with some substantial quantity of fries, so the burger at least looked like something not ridiculous, instead of dicking around with literally four pathetic shoestrings—which hey, guess what, are exactly the same crappy fries you’re already eating anyway?

C’mon, people, seriously?

Hey, Burger King, I’ve got an idea for you! Why don’t you squirt some ketchup onto a patty and call it the BK We Put Ketchup On It For You Because Marketing Is Out of F**ing Ideas Burger? Because that idea is only marginally less Sh***ty than the one with the F***ing French fries.

Now hear this, Burger King, and hear it good.

For your crimes against burgiatry, for your unholy descent to the very nadir of burgiatric decency—nay, of dignity itself!—my burgiatric forebears shall rise above your places of business and poop on your pea-brained Fry Burger and all that it represents.

Though for the moment you may consider yourself lucky, as I must hastily conclude this missive. The nurses are ringing the snack bell, and woe unto you, Burger King, if I miss donut day.

Woe unto you.

Ask the Burgiatrist

scottwhabone

In this undated photo, Ask the Burgiatrist learns of Burger King’s “French Fry Burger.”

 

 

Reverend Rants: Don’s Sweet Juice

revrants2

Reverend Donald C. Corey

People often ask me, “Reverend, why ya drinkin’ that funny sodey-pop with your burger?” They tell me I should be imbibing some newfangled ale concoctions instead. To me, those things taste like they got concocted up in a public bathhouse. No, my flock, I do not sully or besmirch the burger with such rotgut. Instead, I pleasure myself with a drink so perfect, so heavenly, that it can salvage even the most heinous sins against burgiatry.

“What is this holy of holies?” you ask. The answer is something I call “Don’s Sweet Juice.”

Before I tell you the secret to DSJ, I’ll warn you that it’s delectable in ways that can only be described as magic. It so brims with explosions of flavor that you will never want for greater refreshment. It’s also got a mere one-third of the calories of a normal soda drink. Sounds too good to be true, I know. The Reverend hears you. Yet Don’s Sweet Juice may be found at most restaurants that offer fountain sodas.

Why isn't it blue?

Why isn’t it blue?

Here is your mission, my flock:

  1. Fill your cup halfway with ice.
  2. Add Diet Pepsi* to roughly the top of the ice.
  3. Here’s the tricky part: Fill about a 2/3 of the remaining empty space with regular Pepsi, leaving just enough room for a splash of additional Diet Pepsi on top.
  4. Drink and enjoy. It is best to be sitting as you do, as you might lose your balance as you soar to heaven.

Now go spread the word of this knowledge I have bestowed upon you. And rejoice, my flock.

*You are asking, “What about Coke? Can I substitute? The answer is yes, though the result will be “Don’s Slightly Less Sweet Juice.” Still better than any other beverage, but not in the same league as the pure DSJ, which is, quite frankly, like crack to me.

Amen.

1 2 3 4 5 6 … 15