FX: Whirling newspaper that stops to reveal the headline “Krafty’s Burgers & Brews.”
SUPER: Burgertone News Presents!
SOUND FX: Morse code telegraph sound -.- .-. .- ..-. – -.– .—-. …
ANNCR: Dateline: Garner, North Carolina, a burg that knows a good burger!
Krafty’s Burger and Brews is a small restaurant and pub with big burger plans. Even before the official grand opening, Burgertone News! was there to bring you the exclusive.
There was a time in this great land where a man would be subject to ridicule if he ordered anything but mustard on his hamburger, and Krafty’s knows it, delivering the Old Fashioned, a hefty half pound of fresh Angus beef adorned with nothing but mustard and the cheese of your choice. This IS your father’s hamburger, and his father’s before that. This is the hamburger that fed the hardworking men and women of America and fueled the nation to greatness. Our reporter’s Old Fashioned burger was expertly cooked to a pink medium with a textbook perfect char on the exterior.
WARD: “My Old Fashioned was truly excellent, so good that I started to speak like an old time radio announcer and now can type only in Courier font.”
ANNCR: The Old Fashioned was marred only by a slightly dry potato roll, a complaint shared by our other correspondents.
Eminent burgiatrist, Dr. Michael Marino eschewed the Old Fashioned and charged headlong into the future, ordering a hamburger topped with Irish bacon, Guinness barbecue sauce and three onion rings. He not only survived the ordeal but thrived on it.
MARINO: “I know there was a potato famine, but that’s no reason to not use a moist potato bun. I needed a full Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda to wash it down. That being said, the Guiness BBQ Burger was a whiz-bang good burger.”
ANNCR: The Reverend Don Corey, a man of the cloth as well as a man of the bun, was equally generous in his praise.
COREY: “That Slam Burger was a real ducky shincracker in my mouth, see. It almost doesn’t need the tots!”
Michael’s rating 4.25
Don’s rating 4.25
Chad’s rating 4.25
ANNCR: There you have it, faithful Burgertone News! fans. You know that you’ll never get anything but The Straight Beef from our reporters. To learn more about Krafty’s Burger & Brews, tune to kraftysburgers.com on your internet dial.
Overall rating 4.25 – 17 out of 66