This Just In!
MCMANUS CAUGHT EATING VEGGIE BURGER, IS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED FROM THE STRAIGHT BEEF
Cofounder of premier burger-reviewing group ‘deeply sorry’ for ‘failure’ that hurt family, friends
Following allegations of an illicit relationship with a vegetable-based “hamburger,” the Burgiatric Inquiry Federation (BIF) has banned Straight Beef founding member John McManus from all burger-related activities.
“It is with an equal measure of regret and repugnance that we announce the expulsion of Dr. McManus from our ranks,” said BIF president Stuart Mantalbano during an emergency press conference on Monday. “Dr. McManus has been an esteemed member of the burgiatric community for decades. But the children. We need to think of the children.”
“I am deeply sorry for my mistake,” McManus said in a statement released by his publicist. “I apologize to my colleagues and my fans for this serious failure in judgment.”
The Straight Beef is expected to release plans for possible replacements for McManus in the coming weeks.