Author: michaelm

Review #62 – Mattie B’s (Durham, NC)

Ready To Enter TSB’s Non-Commitment Contest? Kinda? Perfect!

Mattie B’s Public House isn’t ready to commit. Its menu and décor kinda feature a musical theme, kinda not. Its homemade chips kinda come as described, kinda not. Its sandwich selection is kinda organized by burgers and non-burgers, kinda not. The beef on its patty melt kinda covers about half the bread, kinda not. The patty is kinda cooked to order, kinda not.

But we’ll say this about Mattie B’s: Its unwavering commitment to not committing is nothing short of impressive. Inspiring, even. We mean, right on, Mattie B’s—we don’t wanna commit to stuff, either! In fact, we found ourselves waxing poetic about times in our own lives when were been ready to suck it up, step up to the plate, and remain completely non-committal. Here are a few:

  • I kinda want to run a marathon, but I’m not a big fan of running.
  • I kinda like driving fast and living hard, but insurance rates are so expensive.
  • I kinda want my bacon spread evenly on my burger, but the general vicinity is OK.
  • I kinda want an Apple Watch, but I’m not a big fan of watches.
  • I kinda want to follow Phish around the country, but I work ‘til 5 every day.
  • I kinda want to see the Stones in July, but I don’t want to sell my liver for a ticket.
  • I kinda feel ready to stop binge-watching Lost, but I only have like 7 seasons left.
  • I kinda like a music theme for the menu but…oh, hey, squirrel!
I kinda wanted a good burger, but I went to Mattie B's instead.

I kinda wanted a good burger, but I went to Mattie B’s instead.

So how ‘bout you? What are you totally committed to not committing to? Email your non-commitments to contest@thestraightbeef.com. Be sure to include the word kinda in some way. A Straight Beef T-Shirt for our favorite. TSB bumper stickers for three runners-up. Enter by May 22, 2015.

Meanwhile, we will commit to ratings.

Michael’s rating: 2.50 out of 5.0

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Scott’s rating: 2.50 out of 5.0

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Don’s rating: 2.75 out of 5.0

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Shawn’s rating: 2.75 out of 5.0

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Mattie B’s overall ranking: 53 out of 62.

Review #61: Capital Club 16 (Raleigh)

Review #61: Capital Club 16 (Raleigh)

With guest reviewer Shawn Krest

The Straight Beef was fortunate enough to break burgiatric bread with CBS sportswriter and veteran wordsmith Shawn Krest. (More about Shawn below.) That the burger inspired our inner Bard—with Shawn taking the lyrical reins—was a bonus of Shakespearean proportions.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

Lo for these many months have we taken arms against a sea of bad burger-smiths, having sampled more meh burgers than you could Shake a Speare at.

Too often in these months were we great eaters of bad beef, and I believe that it doth harmed our wit.

But our long winter has been made summer by Capital Club 16.

Rich and flavorful was the Capital Club 16 burger, a blend of brisket, chuck, and sirloin. Plus some kind of seasoning that we couldn’t ply from the server.

Would a burger by any other name taste as savory?

Would a burger by any other name taste as savory?

Leaf lettuce instead of shredded was an interesting choice, but the melted cheese, coating the entire patty, made up for any other topping complaints. I can’t find a Shakespeare quote about French-kissing an angel, so I can’t accurately describe the pimento cheese burger.

The patties were cooked evenly. If you pricked it, it did not bleed, but was soft and pink throughout.

For an extra $1.50, you could get slab bacon or upgrade your burger to “golden buck style,” with a fried egg on top. Give me an egg, nuncle, and I’ll give thee two crowns.

The only tragedy we could find was with the bun. But soft … is what we were given, instead of toasted. The bun also wasn’t evenly split, giving us too much dry bread on top and a thin bottom layer that fell apart before we were finished, leaving our civil hands unclean.

The burgers came with fries, which created a melancholy of mine own. They were excellent, but we were told that the Capital Club 16 fries were “the best in the state.” Oh young fry of treachery, it was bound to be a letdown from such a haughty perch.

The desserts were like the attentions of a maiden fair.

After more than a year of unquiet meals making ill digestions, along came Capital Club 16. O! My sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee.

Michael’s review:

To burger or not to burger—that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler on the palate to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous burgers

By sending them to Capital Club 16?

4.25 out of 5.0

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Don’s review:

If burgers be the food of love, then burger on, Capital Club 16. Burger on.

4.5 out of 5.0

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Scott’s review:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Though—and I’m just being honest here—I’ll take Capital Club 16’s Club Burger over you AND the thing I just said about summer. I mean, c’mon, that burger was fantastic. So…we good? —Sonnet 18 (early draft)

4.5 out of 5.0

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Shawn’s review:

Give them great meals of beef and iron and steel, and they will eat like wolves and fight like devils.

4.50 out of 5.0

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Shawn Krest picked up his burgiatry on the streets, unlike the East Coast elite with their advanced burgiatry degrees. After graduating from the school of hard rolls, he moved south and still doesn’t understand the concept of barbecue. Shawn would never pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, so don’t lend him money.

Capital Club 16’s overall ranking: 10 out of 61.

Reverend Rants: Don’s Sweet Juice

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Reverend Donald C. Corey

People often ask me, “Reverend, why ya drinkin’ that funny sodey-pop with your burger?” They tell me I should be imbibing some newfangled ale concoctions instead. To me, those things taste like they got concocted up in a public bathhouse. No, my flock, I do not sully or besmirch the burger with such rotgut. Instead, I pleasure myself with a drink so perfect, so heavenly, that it can salvage even the most heinous sins against burgiatry.

“What is this holy of holies?” you ask. The answer is something I call “Don’s Sweet Juice.”

Before I tell you the secret to DSJ, I’ll warn you that it’s delectable in ways that can only be described as magic. It so brims with explosions of flavor that you will never want for greater refreshment. It’s also got a mere one-third of the calories of a normal soda drink. Sounds too good to be true, I know. The Reverend hears you. Yet Don’s Sweet Juice may be found at most restaurants that offer fountain sodas.

Why isn't it blue?

Why isn’t it blue?

Here is your mission, my flock:

  1. Fill your cup halfway with ice.
  2. Add Diet Pepsi* to roughly the top of the ice.
  3. Here’s the tricky part: Fill about a 2/3 of the remaining empty space with regular Pepsi, leaving just enough room for a splash of additional Diet Pepsi on top.
  4. Drink and enjoy. It is best to be sitting as you do, as you might lose your balance as you soar to heaven.

Now go spread the word of this knowledge I have bestowed upon you. And rejoice, my flock.

*You are asking, “What about Coke? Can I substitute? The answer is yes, though the result will be “Don’s Slightly Less Sweet Juice.” Still better than any other beverage, but not in the same league as the pure DSJ, which is, quite frankly, like crack to me.

Amen.

Review #59 – T.MAC (Cary, NC)

We’re positive people. We say yes to life. We subscribe wholeheartedly to the philosophy that unicorns and rainbows are awesome. And while the total downers of the world get their kicks from being judgy—including some party poopers who insist on assigning ratings to things that are perfectly fine—we remain firmly of the opinion that teddy bears and butterflies are freakin’ fantastic.

So when it came time to review the burgers at T.MAC in Cary, we didn’t dwell on the fact that the food was cold. We didn’t focus on the unremarkable size or flavor of the patty. Heck—we hardly noticed that the bacon was chewy, or that the bun was past its prime. That’s just not who we are.

Instead, when asked what we thought of the burger, we were kittens and sunshine all the way.

Hey, you guys went to T.MAC! How was the burger?

The layout of the restaurant was super-creative. The dining area and bar are separated by a raised platform of booths, which really gives the place a nice, open feel. And the long line of beer taps behind the bar is beyond impressive. We’re gonna say there had to be 100 taps back there. The accent lighting on the taps was phenomenal—really captures the eye. Really nice touch, lighting-wise.

Very cool! So how was the burger?

Honestly, you cannot go wrong with the beer selection at T.MAC. Huge kudos to our server for recommending the Brüeprint Brewing brunette brown ale. Definitely one of our new favorite local brews. And thanks to T.MAC’s powerful A/C system, we didn’t worry at all about the beers getting warm. In fact, we didn’t even have to take off our coats!

Um…okay…so…what about the burger?

The fries. Wow. T.MAC cooked them to perfection, then took it one step further by making sure they were cooked way ahead of time. We didn’t have to wait at all for the fries to cool off; they were already room temperature by the time we got them. Man, T.MAC really nailed the little things.

How. Was. The. Burger?

When we say that there were TVs everywhere, we mean everywhere. There was no direction you could look without seeing your favorite teams battling it out. It was pretty much a TV-watcher’s heaven. At the risk of overstating this, there are just an insanely great number of TVs.

Michael’s Review: 2.25 out of 5.0

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Scott’s Review: 2.0 out of 5.0

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Chad’s Review: 2.25 out of 5.0

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Don’s Review: 2.5 out of 5.0

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Overall ranking: 57 out of 59

Final note: Don’t quote us on this, but we’re gonna say the TVs were like 4K Ultra HD. Not too shabby!

Stoked!

Stoked!

Review #58: Town Hall Burger and Beer (Durham)

In The Straight Beef Podcast #17, the following assertion was set forth: Hamburgers are by definition made of beef and served on a round bun. The controversy that followed was marked by a vitriol not seen in this land since badly miffed colonists dumped 342 chests of tea into Boston Harbor.

I told you adding a veggie burger at White Castle would cause problems.

 

In an effort to quell the threat of burgiatric revolution, three of our senior burgiatrists traveled to Town Hall Burgers and Beer in Durham for a formal debate on the matter. Argument was heated. Freedom Fries were thrown.

What follows is an excerpt from that debate.

Michael “Royal Governor” Marino was first.

Moderator: Dr. Marino, state your burger.

Marino: I had the Carolina Burger—an Angus beef patty, ground in-house, topped with fat back, pimento cheese, and cole slaw, served on a brioche bun. My fellow Americans, this was truly an all-American burger. A burger of freedom. Sure, the cook used this freedom to cook my patty medium well, though I ordered it medium—thus knocking my rating down to a 4.25—but I stand firmly behind his right to wield his spatula as he sees fit. Freedom, I say!

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Chad “John Quincy” Ward was next.

Moderator: Mr. Ward, your position on what constitutes an “all-American” burger has historically been less traditional. Would you expand on that position within the context of your Town Hall burger review?

Ward: I will indeed, sir. Ahem. MY. FELLOW. AMERICANS. If our fine land is to be considered the “great melting pot, ” which it is, and a nation that embraces its myriad cultures and traditions, which it does, then I submit that Town Hall’s Lamb Burger is as American as any round-bun mainstay. Yes, it replaces ketchup with tzatkiki sauce and a round bun with a pita-style bread, but clearly, my friends, this is still a hamburger. And while the usual sharp flavor of tzatkiki was in this case a little tame, my patty was perfectly cooked and flavorful. Even the staunchest burgiatric conservative would agree this that burger deserved a 4.0 out of 5.

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Statesman Donald “Reverend” Corey was third.

Moderator: Reverend Corey, would you expound on—

Corey: Expound? I’ll give you expound, all right. Tzatkiki sauce? Pita bread? Brioche bun? What in the name of Uncle Sam doth mine eyes see? Clearly I am the only burgiatrist present today who recognizes a true American hamburger when he sees one, and the Town Hall Burger is it. The very description of the burger—topped with lettuce, tomato, red onions, grilled onions, bacon, eggs, and American cheese—had me waving my stars and stripes. But the proof was in the pudding. The over-easy egg broke perfectly with the first bite, showering the patty in golden sunshine. The beef was excellent in flavor and texture. And with a perfectly-toasted bun containing its glory, the Town Hall Burger’s greatness was clear from sea to shining sea. A 4.5 out of 5.

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Town Hall Burgers and Beer’s overall ranking: 14 out of 58.

Al’s Burger Shack Contest

We’ve recently become aware that one our local burger stalwarts, Al’s Burger Shack, has a contest for a new Thanksgiving burger. The Straight Beef took this as an opportunity to convene a conference in Geneva to discuss whether a burger can be called a burger unless the patty is made of beef. After 10 days of intense debate, we have agreed to disagree. Chad and Don feel that any ground meat that is shaped into a patty and served in a bun should be considered a burger. The old guard of Scott and Michael subscribe to the original definition of the burger which is that is has to be beef.

Scott’s suggestion that any non-beef burger be called a burger-like ground [insert animal here] sandwich was deemed too long to fit on most menus. We all agreed that any non-beef burger must include the meat that it is made of as a prefix.

It is with this in mind that we recommend you try your hand at burgiatric alchemy and come up with your own topping combination to win Al’s Burger Shack’s Thanksgiving Burger Contest. The official press release is below. Good luck.

 

Al’s Burger Shack, Chapel Hill’s classic burger stand, is challenging customers to put on their chef toques and create a holiday-themed burger.  The winning entry will be featured as a special at the Shack on November 20, 2014.

The contest kicks off today, October 21, 2014, and will accept entries until November 10, 2014.  Contestants must put their creative juices to work with the selected ingredients.  They must start with a turkey burger and then include a combination of cranberries, sweet potatoes, or stuffing (or dressing as we call it).  Bonus points will be given for using all three special ingredients.  Entrants may also add other items from their virtual pantry.

Al and an esteemed panel of local judges, including Andrea Weigl (@aweigl) of the News & Observer; Andrea Griffith Cash (@agcash) of Chapel Hill Magazine; Ron Stutts (@wchlchapelboro) of WCHL radio; and Jamil Kadoura, owner of Chapel Hill’s Mediterranean Deli, will evaluate the entries.  The judges will select three finalists on November 10.  On November 19 at 4 pm, the Shack will host a cook-off and the judges will sample the finalists’ burgers hot off the grill.  The winner will be announced at the end of the tasting.

Finalists will receive an Al’s Burger Shack t-shirt and $10 gift card.  The winner will receive a t-shirt, a $25 gift card, and have their recipe featured as the Shack special on November 20.

“We were blown away by the creativity of the entries for our first burger contest that we couldn’t wait to have another,” said Al Bowers, owner of Al’s Burger Shack.  “We’re thrilled to include local food editors, media, and a fellow chef as judges. I excited to see how the Shacksters tackle the holiday burger.”

The rules are simple:
Step 1: Like Al’s Burger Shack on Facebook.
Step 2: Create a recipe and submit (insert link) it
Step 3: Keep it fresh and make it tasty.
Join in the pre-holiday fun and show off your inner chef.  Enter today.
About Al’s Burger Shack
Al’s Burger Shack is Chapel Hill’s classic burger stand.  We use the finest ingredients, including pasture-raised NC beef and farmers’ market produce, to create our burgers, hot dogs and shakes. Real burgers. Real local. Real good. For menus, news, directions and more, visit alsburgershack.com.

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