Category: Features

WRAL Out & About: Bull City Burger and Brewery, Durham

Special Announcement from The Straight Beef

Greetings, fellow burgiatrists. We’re pleased to announce that WRAL has invited The Straight Beef to serve as its burgiatrists-in-residence, and we have humbly accepted the post. Starting today, WRAL.com’s Out & About section will feature one new TSB review a month. But have no fear; we’ll also post the new reviews onwww.thestraightbeef.com, along our Peabody-winning features such as The Tao of Cow, There’s a McDifference!, and Ask the Burgiatrist. The main difference is that there will be one fuller review instead of three shorter ones, though we the overall burgiatric value is the same. (We measured it.) Please join us as we embark on this new adventure. Together, we shall rule the galaxy as father and son. Or something like that.

Michael, Scott, and John

The Straight Beef

Bull City Burger and Brewery, Durham

Burger category: Look at Me!

(Originally published at WRAL Out & About.)

Our first Out & About mission brought us to Bull City Burger and Brewery in downtown ­Durham, to tame the wild comestibles of BCBB’s “exotic meats March.” So we packed our jungle-clearing knives, donned our wide-brim safari caps, and wrapped ourselves in mosquito netting. (Note: That wasn’t for the review; that’s just how we dress.)

Bull City Burger and Brewery is about as cool as they come—a hip, down-home, college-y hotspot, featuring an in-house brewery, self-serve wine dispensers, Boylan fountain sodas, and menu items with pleasingly weird names like “duck frites and “bull nuts.” BCBB uses North Carolina pasture-raised beef, bakes its own buns, and concocts its own condiments. Applause all around on those counts. Our first visit to BCBB was on the decidedly negative side, but, we thought, marking our path with reflective jungle-marking tape as we entered the restaurant, this was a day of new, exotic beginnings.

The exotic meat of the night? Alligator.

Nothing at burgiatry school could have prepared us for this. Non-cow burgiatry is an emotionally charged issue in the burger community, and few experts have dared explore the terrain. During our sophomore year, one professor conducted a clandestine seminar called “Elk vs. Antelope Meat: Which Is Weirder?” and was denied tenure. So naturally we were apprehensive. In addition to the alligator burger, we ordered the BCBB Burger of the Day—with mozzarella cheese and a fried egg—to keep one foot in beefa firma.

Cow vs. alligator. Nature's oldest rivalry.

And now a sentence we never thought we’d utter: The gator was surprisingly tasty.

The fact that the alligator was served modestly—just bun, lettuce, and “special sauce”—bode well for the burger; we’d been burned before by condiments-related atrocities designed to mask an otherwise mediocre patty. The gator itself was reminiscent of sausage, though more heavily spiced and with a subtle fishy flavor. The “special sauce” was a tomato-onion-bell pepper concoction reminiscent of scallopini sauce, and who could say no to meat from an 800-pound lizard topped with scallopini sauce? Certainly not we. In fact, we preferred the gator burger to the standard beef fare, which was good but not exceptional.

Size was a considerable drawback, as BCBB burgers of every genus are on the small side. Prices on the exotics ($13) and daily specials ($11) are a bit steep—despite the A+ fries that come standard.

Above all, Bull City Burger and Brewery is to be commended for its bold shake-up of the Triangle burger universe. Just don’t make the same mistake we did: Before you start eating, remove the mosquito netting.

Our review of the gator burger:

Michael 4.25/5

    

Scott: 4/5

    

Our New Feature: There’s a McDifference!

Introducing our New McFeature

One of our classmates at burgiatry school, Dave Foley, has developed a new burgiatric niche: rating McDonald’s. Not the restaurant chain in general, mind you, but each store individually. But the burgers are identical at every McDonald’s, you say? Tell that to the author of The Straight Beef’s new feature, There’s a McDifference!

Dave’s Intro

I love McDonald’s. I have been eating McDonald’s at least once a week (recently on Wednesdays) for the last 30 years, and I order the same meal every single time: a Quarter Pounder With Cheese (no pickles) Meal Deal. Just the thought of my usual Wednesday McLunch brings joy to my heart. You may not be aware of this—and you may not believe it—but every McDonald’s tastes a little different. I have learned which McDonald’s are better than others.

During high school, I was trained and worked under some top chefs, learning how to prepare burgers at one of the fast-food giant’s competitors: Wendy’s. Although I learned how to craft a great burger, my allegiance was always to my first love.

My burgiatric colleagues have asked me to share my experience, and to help others find McDonald’s euphoria. I have eaten at almost every McDonald’s in Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Garner, and Holly Springs. As part of this series, I will visit a different McDonald’s each time and share what I like and dislike about the restaurant and my meal.

There’s a McDifference!

Review 1: McDonald’s at 2010 Kildaire Farm Rd, Cary

I’m starting at this one because it’s consistently my favorite McDonald’s, and this is the one I eat at most often. The owner of this McDonald’s, who owns a few others in the area, displays a calendar advertising the special deal of the day. Quarter Pounder day used to be on Wednesdays, which was a double bonus for me, but they have moved it to another day of the week. I’m almost over my bitterness and won’t dock them for this inconvenience.

Quarter Pounder: This McDonald’s delivers the most consistently good burger with the best flavor. If you nibble the meat that sticks out of the bun before digging in, you’ll find the meat is not too dry, not too moist, and has just the perfect amount of seasoning. I love pepper, and the patty has a definite pepper flavor. On this visit, it almost tasted like eating a peppercorn steak on a bun. Yummy!

Fries: Their fries at this McDonald’s are also consistent good, with that nice crisp on the outside and moistness on the inside—with a minimum of the crunchy end cuts. The fries break apart easily while you’re eating them, rather than giving you the feeling you’re chewing French fry gum. They also do a good job salting. I always grab a salt packet but rarely do I have to use it here. If anything, they’re usually very skimpy on quantity in the medium-size fries.

Atmosphere: After a complete redesign—it’s now a “green” McDonald’s—the place is very informative about all the construction methods and “green” devices that were used, including the high-tech, low-energy hand dryers in the bathrooms. For you electric car drivers, they have an electric pump outside, though I have never seen anyone using it.

There are two flat-screen TVs in the restaurant, one usually showing ESPN and the other a kids’ show. There is no play area at this McDonald’s, but the interactive nature of the place makes up for this shortcoming.

Burger rating: 4.5 out of 5 Grimaces

    

The Pen and the Prod: Original Hot and Steamy Burger Jokes

Original Hot and Steamy Burger Jokes

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and sits down next to a stunningly beautiful young woman. He says, “Can I buy you a drink?” Foxy lady turns, leans close, and in her most seductive voice says, “Can I pour ketchup all over you, pick you up by your buns with both hands, and swallow you whole?” The cheeseburger…

  • Stands up, shocked, and says, “I’m very sorry, Miss, but I’m looking for more than a one-night burger stand!”
  • Winks and says, “Congratulations, baby. You just created the world’s first half-pound Happy Meal.”
  • Recognizes the woman’s sad vulnerability, the likelihood that she’d missed out on strong parental guidance, and the chances that other burgers had mistreated her—all leading to a low self-esteem and a reckless attitude toward casual dining. He brushes her cheek softly with the edge of his top bun and says, “No thank you, dear, but if you would ever like to get together and just talk—about life, hopes, dreams—look me up in the menu.”
  • Winks and says, “Consider me super-sized.”

Renegade Review: Murphy House Restaurant

Guest Renegade Reviewer: Scott Bridgeman

Scott Bridgeman is an inchoate Burgiatrist, currently completing his PhB at Dr. McManus’ alma mater, the Universitat Muenster in Hamburg, Germany. Bridgeman has been a burger lover since early childhood, but it was a profound experience in his late teens that inspired his pursuit of this vocation. He was auspiciously dining at burger joint in the triangle on evening before heading off to a high school pep rally, and he happened to be seated in the adjacent booth we TSB burgiatrists sat down for a review. He overheard every pithy, erudite morsel of analysis and critique, and eavesdropped with complete wonder and awe. When we had completed the meal and our analysis, paid our bill, and taken our last sips of draft, we stood and walked away, passing through a long foyer to the thick wooden doors of the pub. Dr.s Marino and McManus had already exited and Dr. Blumenthal was still holding the door, when the young Bridgeman, who had followed us from the table, appeared in the foyer and called after him.

“Are you…”

Dr. Blumenthal turned. “Pardon me?”

“Sorry, sir, but are you and your friends famous burger critics?”

Blumenthal smiled, “Yes, son. But more importantly, we’re Burgiatrists. It’s a highly noble pursuit. Now, I’m very sorry, but we have a schedule to keep and I have to go.”

“Oh,” the boy said, looking down. “Okay.”

Blumenthal let the door close behind him, but looked back through the sidelight of the door to witness the dejected young man shuffling slowly back toward his table.

A few moments later, Blumenthal re-entered the dining room, with a TheStraightBeef.com T-Shirt wadded tightly in his right hand.

“Hey kid,” he said. “Catch!”

And so, when this ambitious young man contacted us years later with a submission for a guest review and on the cusp of achieving his PhB, we decided to give him a break, and publish his first work. Without further adieu, our first guest review, by Scott Bridgeman, future Burgiatrist…

Murphy House Restaurant, North Carolina State Fair

Category: Krispy Kreme Burger (It belongs in a category of its own!)

Let me first start by saying what an honor it is to author a renegade review for TSB, being an amateur burgiatrist myself and having spent the last three years working toward an advance certificate in molecular burgology. I am not sure my qualifications are quite as meaty as those of the staff here at TSB, so please bear with me…

It always starts innocently enough. The fair comes to town, you head to the fairgrounds, and the lunchtime conversations turn to football and laughing about the deep-fried coke or the funnel bacakonator. Then you find yourself joking about the Krispy Kreme burger. Who would ever eat one of those?!

Suddenly, you find yourself getting curious. You start wondering about it. Before you know it, you walk up to the booth and ask, “How much?” At that point, you know it’s too late. You know that you’re going to do it. The proprietor of this culinary treat has engaged you; they’ve invested time, so you wonder if there’s a commitment. But then you start having other thoughts, like “Wow, six dollars for lunch at the fair really isn’t that bad, is it?” or “What will my friends think if I don’t order it?” and before you know it, the words have already left your mouth. “Sure, I’ll take one. But hold the lettuce and tomato.”

Now, I will be the first to admit that the first bite is a little scary. All eyes are on you, and before you know it, you’ve done it. You’ve taken the first bite and you realize wow—this thing is really good. Yes, I said it: The Krispy Kreme burger is good.

The breakdown of the burger is odd, but it does work. They combine high-quality ingredients (namely two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, of course, which serve as the bun) and mix them with lower-end ingredients (namely a pre-cooked low-quality hamburger patty, American cheese, and thinly sliced pre-cooked bacon). Lettuce and tomato are also offered, but I am a purist and passed on those. What happens when these flavors are combined is nothing short of Wylie Dufresne’s latest molecular gastronomical concoction. The sweetness of the doughnut melds with the juiciness of the burger and accentuates the smoky maple flavors of the bacon, which are balanced out by the cheese. All of these flavors conspire to deliver one treat of a burger.

See you in a year, Krispy Kreme burger.

My rating: 3.5

    

Renegade Review: Jake’s Steaks (St. Louis, MO)

The ribs at Jake’s Steaks are probably the best I’ve ever had. The dry rub was tangy, and the meat melted in my mouth. The wait staff at Jake’s did a great job with our large party. Our server made sure our glasses were always full. A great time was had by all.

What is that, you say? Why would an esteemed burgiatrist focus so much on ribs and service? I’ll tell you why: because the burger I had was the worst piece of garbage I have ever eaten. I ordered the Fried Burger. Billed as cheese pressed between two 5-oz patties all lightly breaded and fried. I expected a juicy, gooey, yummy burger. I mean, how could it be bad? Everyone who has been to the fair knows that everything is better when it’s fried.

Avert your eyes!

My first bite crunched so loudly that the person sitting next to me asked if I was OK. I figured it must have just been the edge of the patty and that I ate mostly fried batter. Things did not improve with the second bite. Four or five bites in, I cut my burger in half to see if I would ever come across cheese. Nope. Either the cook forgot to put it in there, or it was left in the fryer too long, vaporizing it. The whole thing was a burned, crunchy mess.

The only reason I am not giving this burger a zero is because it didn’t make me sick. This ranks up there as one of the worst things I have ever eaten. For your own sake, if you go to Jake’s Steaks, get the ribs. My rating: 0.25 out of 5.

    

Jake's Steaks on Urbanspoon

Ask the Burgistrist

It’s McTreatable!

DEAR DR. BLUMENTHAL: I have eaten a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal deal every week for the last 30 years. This seems to be the highlight of my work week. The morning of my lunchtime trip, I get as excited about lunch as if I was going to Disneyland. When I’ve eaten the last bite of my tasty meal, I find I am a little sad, but start looking forward to next week. Should I seek help for my condition or should I continue to embrace this behavior? —ADDICTED TO McDELICIOUSNESS

Dear McDELICIOUSNESS: You suffer from a rare but treatable condition called Grimacptosis (grimace-tosis), sometimes referred to as Hamburglarrhea. It affects roughly 1 in every 1 persons in the United States. Various over-the-counter treatments are available, including Mojoe’s in Raleigh, The Corner Tavern in Cary, and Buns in Chapel Hill. If geography is an obstacle, take one hamburger at your nearest Five Guys and call me in the morning. —SCOTT BLUMENTHAL, PH.B, LICENSED BURGIATRIST

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